Office day 🏢

Hello dear.

Today I went in the office the last time before I went back to the UK. I bought everyone coffee, also had lunch and talked with people in IF and TBS. Nothing went wrong throughout the day but I don't know why I just felt very tired and down as I got home, and I had a big cry after dinner.

I guess I also feel frustrated because it's not even that people were hard on me. In fact everyone was nice to me and it also wasn't a particularly stressful day work-wise and social-wise. But I just really didn't feel good after the day and I don't even understand why I feel like that.

It makes me realise how far I am still from being mentally stable and capable of working as a regular full time. I haven't shared with you, but I actually brought up my contract discussion with my boss in the UK last week. I decided to open up to him about my mental situation and explained why I'll need to remain as a freelance if I am staying. I chose to tell him because of what I shared before with you, to learn to allow others to love me. And for me I think one of the ways to start with is being vulnerable when you have to.

I also had to tell Howe and Jenny about it because I worry Vincent might talk to them about me when he hears about it from my boss. My boss and Howe are of course very understanding, but I am still very uncomfortable to talk about it with them in person and I told them I prefer not to.

Aside from the freelance arrangement, I also asked for a raise. At first I was thinking I can maybe decide if I want to stay depending on what their response will be. But it made me realise today that if I already struggle so much to go in to an office and meet with people that I am so familiar with, how can I be confident that I am ready to start a new job, knowing that adapting to a new environment has always been a challenge to me.

I miss you a lot and wish I could talk to you in person about these things. But at least I could write all these out here to you when I am secretly struggling. Miss you, and I am imagining a hug from you.