Thoughts stuck in my head

hello dear, how are you?

Sorry that I’ve become silent (again) for a few days after Sunday. I just have been feeling a lot and overthinking a lot on what I shared in the last post about Edison.

Over the years, I thought I’ve resolved to figure out the balance in my relationship with him without needing an answer, but from time to time, these unsolved questions just come back and overwhelm my head. How does he actually see me deep down? Has he even considered the possibility between us at all? If not, why do I get the feeling that he cares extra about me, but also holding it back at the same time?

But among all that, what truly overwhelms me the most is, I can’t figure out what I am truly feeling deep down and what I really want. I thought I’ve made up my mind that I can let go of all the things that happened between me and him in the past, and we’re better off as friends, and I try to treat him and care for him as a friend, which I thought is something I’m pretty good at with all my other close friends. But with him, the relationship was never equal. It has always felt like that he’s giving more to me, because he is more capable, and I am just constantly trying so hard to keep up with not being a trouble for him.

Some days, when he wants to, he’s just so good with taking care of me before I even ask, and that makes me feel so cared and comfortable. But other days, he’s just cold and distant and mean that I feel so insecure and stressed around him. What scares me even more is realising how similar I am to him on this. I have the tendency to be like that too in close relationships, so I understand him. It’s not just that, but I know I understand him in ways that most people don’t because of how similar we are.

So I am just stuck in my own thoughts, being so emo and even crying like I had a heartbreak for the last few days when nothing really happened. (I know I sound really silly :( )

In fact, I feel like God is just being so humorous and “playing” with me on this, because the day before, we found out both of us would have our doctor appointment in Central around the same time yesterday, so he convinced me to drive and meet at the car park (I don’t usually drive to Central for my appointment). But because mine is later than his, in order to meet his person (not his car), I almost had to run back to the car park after the appointment, and even that, it’s just to catch him for like 30 seconds before he had to go. And then, it’s his birthday this friday, so I organised a lunch for him with the IF team tomorrow and also prepared a cake for him.

Sorry, this post is so messy because my mind is messy and vulnerable. I hope you don’t mind it :(

Haven’t posted a more close uo selfie for a while