Oh man. Today was such a peaceful day - had my Thursday class, did my laundry, made myself dinner, thought I'd rest on the sofa bed for awhile before going to shower. Then I opened this website app and started reading the blog I wrote to you when I was hospitalised.
And I just started crying. Non stop. I was reminded how low I've got over the years, and how then I was saved at the lowest point.
Earlier today I facetimed my brother, and he asked, now that my dad's gone, wouldn't you feel lonely?
The truth is, I have always been lonely. It doesn't matter if anyone is physically around or where I am, my heart has always been lonely. No one truly knows me.
You know what really scares me, is that I don't miss Hong Kong at all. I don't miss the past life that I lived. And I feel that is because, for all these years, I've always lived in the shadow of people's expectations. My parents, social, church, work. I tried to be the Hannah that everyone expected me to be.
I suppressed any wild emotions within me. I pretended that I felt just as much (little) emotion as everyone else in the world. I just kept going and going.
So now that I have this chance, not to be watched by anyone, I finally can properly cry out all the sadness or the overwhelming gratefulness within me.
Wildly, here're the tissues for the record lol
And now I think I finally understand why God sent me far far away from home for this next stage of life. The goal is clear and simple - to restore myself. I need a release from the past, and in order to do that I have to be away from all these burdens I've been carrying.
I find this ironically funny because I remember that was what you said you needed as well at some point. I can't agree with you more.
Just gonna end this with what I wrote to you that time in the hospital, which still captures my heart:
Andy I want you to know that no matter how much you think you have hurt me, in my heart those hurt is incomparable to the love and support you have provided to me. Because wounds can always be healed, especially when the love is far greater.
I trust your intuition, and I believe that you will keep your promise and find your strength one day, just like me. And I want you to never forget that, you are a kind person who deserves to be loved and accepted fully. I am always ready to be here for you and I will always love you.
My very ugly teary eyes lol
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