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hello dear, how are you?

Yesterday was Sunday. I attended the care group after service at church, there were quite a few people this time so it lasted longer than before, till 5ish. After that I had to rush home and head out immediately with my parents to my relative’s place for dinner.

I became extremely tired after the day, because I haven’t really stopped giving out energy this entire weekend since the funeral on Saturday morning. Both gatherings on Sunday (the care group and relatives dinner) needed me to spend energy to engage in front of a group of 6-8 people. And I am actually still recovering from the funeral while I try to get used to my parents being back here at the same time. Our house here is a lot smaller than in the UK, I can always hear voices or noises of them even when I hide in my room.

Perhaps all these sound very normal for any household in HK, and this weekend schedule of meeting with different people seems very typical for a lot of people. But I guess it just isn’t easy for me who’s still going through ups and downs with her mental state, and I overestimated myself to agree with this weekend schedule that made me feel so mentally restless.

I felt like I really needed to sleep when I finally lied on bed last night, that’s why I skipped writing here. But after being asleep, I could still feel the agitation. Then I started to have these scary, anxious nightmares. One of them was that I saw you chasing down something that’s a delusion, I kept screaming and shouting to try to wake you up, but you weren’t listening. I had other similar dreams throughout the night too, but I don’t remember what they are.

I felt so anxious but also tired as I woke up this morning. I feel like there is just so much emotion inside me that I haven’t digested and so many questions and thoughts that are unresolved. It made feel so agitated.

I know this might have to do with my period coming up soon too. But being in this state just makes me feel so uncomfortable, and all I want now is some space without anyone, just by myself and God. So originally I was supposed to meet with a friend for dinner, but I told him that I want to reschedule.

🫂