Here's something I've been wanting to share with you but haven't felt brave enough because it makes me feel...shameful.
I didn't want to face my birthday and I felt I was forced to face the reality that I am still depressed no matter how hard I tried.
I was devastated so just as it passed 00:00 to 21/12, I googled 'the easiest way to kill yourself'. The search results were actually quite funny because they were either those call-for-help hotlines or serious academic research on suicide, luckily haha, nothing too helpful for me to take immediate action. Thinking back, I still feel heartbroken that the first thing I did on my birthday was to search for how to suicide.
When I woke up in the morning, I saw some birthday messages but I didn't even have the courage to read them because 'HAPPY birthday' just sounds ridiculously sarcastic to me, so I ignored them. I dragged myself out for brunch because I thought that would make me feel better. But then I accidentally read what my mom wrote that she said 'I'm sorry that we weren't there for you at your heartbreaking moments.' I felt like my heart was stabbed because I was reminded of how lonely I was and I almost broke down in the cafe.
After that, I tried to walk around in a mall but suddenly my feet felt strengthless and I couldn't move. I used all my strength just to get home and I immediately covered myself with the blanket so that it's completely dark, and I just cried for I didn't know how long. There was no one there, not a single person in that darkness.
It was basically more or less the same for the rest of the day. It was kinda like a living nightmare. The next morning when I was (as usual) crying after I woke up, I tried to search about suicide again and I saw a video. I cried so so hard when it said this:
Your emotions are valid, but they are not permanent. And we do NOT make permanent decisions because of temporary emotions.
Your situation feels hopeless, but with God, there is always hope. That's His promise.
My recent favourite story in the Bible is about this man called Elijah. He got really scared after speaking to the people for God and he fled into the wilderness. Then he cried out to God saying that he had enough and asked God to kill him. After that he felt asleep under a tree and once in a while an angel got him bread and water as he rested. Eventually, he got up and continued his journey.
This is one of the verses that God used to comfort me these days:
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.'
This promise from Him is literally the only thing I hold on to, even though at this moment I still can't see myself soaring and running in the future. Every time I question about living a life, I'll cry to God in the dark cave: You either kill me or you give me the 'bread and water'. I'm greatful that so far He's been giving me just enough 'break and water' to barely get through each breakdown.
I hope this is not too heavy, my dearest. I want to share with you because I want to inspire and encourage you that, if I can keep trying, I am sure you can too. Love you ❤️
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