Today Vienna shared with me that she almost had sex with a Korean guy when she was on vacation in Seoul. She only met him twice and they can't communicate because he can't speak English. They didn't have sex only because she was on period. Now she booked another trip to Korea again in few weeks to travel with the guy. She actually found out he has a girlfriend. But because she quite likes him even knowing it won't work because they can't communicate, she is going and will sleep with him.
I asked her does she think she would feel sad or regret about that after it. She said a little bit because he has a girlfriend. I told her I am just a bit worried that she will get hurt in the end.
Her last relationship (ended few months back) went a bit messy towards the end. His ex boyfriend no longer attended to her and she also cheated on him because she felt empty. Before her trip to Korea, she made a tattoo near her breast that says: 'I'm loved.'
I found this worth journaling because actually Vienna (& you) was the only one whom I told about what happened between Edwin and I. I remember when I told her that I messed up and accepted his suggestion to sleep together on the last night in London, she said to me that she is glad that we didn't have sex in the end and asked me to save it for the person I love.
Since that happened, I have been feeling like perhaps I need that 'I'm loved' tattooed on me somewhere too to remind myself (haha). I know I won't tattoo, but I did change my wallpaper to this note: 'I will never be more loved than I am right now.' That is the one simple sentence that God reminded me when that happened and all I had in my mind were 'I don't deserve to be loved' and 'No one loves me'. God doesn't love me less because I messed up.
My heart does really want to save it for the person I love and loves me.
It is just so extremely hard. The waiting feels forever. The longer the wait the more reckless I am tempted to be and the stronger those thoughts are in my head. I am still constantly fighting with.
But when I realize I also don't have 100% confidence in myself that I can wait for it, it makes me learn to be more humbled and compassionate to not judge anyone (like Vienna) who gets lost from time to time or didn't follow through his/her heart. Because I might too, who knows. We all have our weak moments.
As her friend, I just want to quietly walk by her side, gently remind her when she seems to be heading towards the wrong way, and be her 'judge-free' space to share when she stumbles.
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