My mind was flooded with words to answer this after you asked. So I wrote them down and here is the detailed (super long) answer.
My answer in one line will be: It is the journey of seeking the answer that made me certain about you.
(I talked about this on Wed that) the journey started in April last year when you told me you decided to go back to your past relationship. That Sunday I walked in to church, completely baffled. Indeed that time I was not that certain whether I should 'invest' in you. So I asked God, now this is all messed up, what do you want to do? And it turns out that Sunday was a start of a new series about how to love one another. It lasted for 6 weeks and covered these 6 'How': Accept, Forgive, Confess, Stir Up, Comfort, and Do Not Judge.
I found it interesting because honestly I was expecting that God would give a 'lecture' that Sunday on obedience or whatever. But among the thousand topics that a pastor/church can preach about, it was specifically about love in relationships. So I told myself to keep exploring and see what happens.
Ever since then, whenever I doubted especially when I felt hurt by you that time, I would ask God immediately the same question, so what should I do now? And every time there'll be some kind of reminder that addresses my doubt. And you know how often I doubt myself and my decisions. So when I said 'every time when I doubt', I mean I have an album on my phone with 301 screenshots and a full notebook of words that God spoke to me through book and devotional that I read, christian ig accounts that I follow. The scary part is it often addresses exactly what I was struggling with. Sometimes it's encouragement to love, sometimes it's about perseverance in pain and waiting, sometimes it's guidance to readjust expectations, sometimes it's instructions to live out certain life.
I remember you once said something to me like 'you give out too much love because you're a Christian.' You are actually not wrong. Love is the centre of Chrstianity. But at the end of the day when it comes to this life that we are living, we as Christians are called to love the way God has loved us, forgive the way God has forgiven us, and be the light in place of darkness.
I wrestle with God a lot on this (yes, there's such thing as wrestling with God for Christians). Meaning that I still sometimes hate this idea when bitterness gets into me to be honest. I would say to God, why can't you give me that one thing that I really want first and I'll do the ABCDEF things you ask me to work on. I don't know about other Christians, but I feel God has been very strict to me to discipline me on this, that I must learn to love despite the hurt. And it's not just about romantic relationships but relationships and the world in general. Perhaps because deep down I can be a very cruel and selfish person with a hardened heart, which was where I was heading towards without even noticing ever since I met Edison and broke up with Sree.
Fast forwarding all the wrestling to March 2023. I still don't know why exactly, but I suddenly felt really stuck. I was stuck to a point that I felt I had to move on to my next chapter immediately which is death. That was also when I reached out to you because I thought I was about to die and before I do that I needed to make sure I drop you a note. Anyway this suicide crisis is a significant story that I really will only share with you in person.
But in the end I resolved to make the 'right' choice to stay alive and I flew back to hk. This might not make sense to you but it's actually a very difficult choice for me. It was against my will and I did not want to come back that time. (I think I mentioned it few times in the blog that time). I only came back because God prompted me to come back. So I said to God, you'd better make this trip worth it. That's when things started to become scary in an amazing way where God sustained and guided me bit by bit.
Remember that I requested to speak with you? I wouldn't have the courage if this didn't happen. The Sunday after I booked my ticket, the preacher at church asked these questions: Who is the people that’s on your radar, that you are uniquely called to be able to minister into the lives of, that nobody else will get access to? What is the situation, where is your heart tingling now? Where is it that you are being uniquely called to pick up and run the race?
And the week after, the pastor talks about the journey of waiting and he quoted Hannah in the Bible. His exact wording were: Hannah who cried out to God for Him to come through, she couldn’t articulate more but just her lips were moving. But God heard her prayer.
I often find these scenarios very frightening (in an impactful way), when there're hundreds of people in the room, yet you KNOW God is speaking to you and your exact situation. So I looked up the story of Hannah in the Bible. It turns out Hannah is known for her faithfulness despite her suffering and long waiting. She cried out to God in deep anguish because she was infertile and her rival mocked her. In the end she got 5 children and she remained faithful and obedient to God. I am always greatly touched whenever I read the record of her story in the Bible.
One last incident I want to mention happened when I was back in hk in April. I remember I was again feeling doubt and unsure that time. Then the pastor talked about showing up in relationships. He said, 'Stay even when it doesn't make sense. Stay when there's an escape. Stay when everyone else chooses to leave and even that person tried to push you. That's how you make an impact to someone's life.' (But he also reminded us that we should leave if the relationship has any kind of emotion or physical abuse.)
These are just some highlights of instances. But I hope you understand better what I meant that it is the journey of seeking the answer that made me certain about you. I guess you already knew before how much my faith as a Christian means to me. I will only be so certain about a matter if I have sought the direction from God for long enough.
Can it not be a test?
Here is my answer as a Christian. I don't believe that God tests his people this way. There is verse in the bible: God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
I do think that God puts us in different seasons so that we can learn lessons that he thinks is best for us. For some seasons, it can be full of trials and suffering that he allows to happen. But what is important is to remember that God will always provide an ending or answer to a season, when he thinks we are ready.
I constantly reflect on where I am at in each season and what I am taking away from it. Few weeks before I came back to hk this time in June, I could sense that my season of searching for life purposes and rediscovering my relationship with God in complete solitude has come to an end.
From time to time, I run a gut check as a Christian by asking: 'Is this something that draws me closer to God?' The past one year has been a journey of faith and till this day I am still feeling God working in me, especially in the past 4 days. This is how I know, there will still be more to come and our story has not ended.
My last point on this is, if like we said Christianity is about love, then how is it possible that, God places someone so dearly in my heart and gives me this overflowing love to love this person, and then turns out He wanted to use this person as a 'test' to teach me that I should harden my heart and reject this person, simply because this person is not a 'good person' (which in fact we all aren't anyway lol)? It doesn't make sense to me.
Lastly, so why you?
The answer is simple, Andy. You are worthy of my love.
I know you are already denying it, but hear me out. I don't need a 'good man' for me to love. I need someone that I fought hard enough for to love. That is what matters to me because I will be a terrible lover if I can easily forget how much it takes me to love.
Imagine this as the way God talks to me: "Oh you want to be with this guy? Sure, then you'd better work on this 50 things within yourself, so that you are ready to be with Andy because loving him can be tough 🙃.'
But while I (half jokingly) said that you can be tough, I also want to say that in my eyes, you are not a fool. I know you like to call yourself that, but to me a fool is someone who doesn't reflect and refuses to listen to wisdom. You may be foolish sometimes and make wrong choices (in fact we all do), but I know you have a reflective heart, you just need guidance sometimes and practice wisdom in your decisions.
I hope this long long blog leaves you something to think of and is not too complicated or hard to understand. Sorry if things don't make sense to you because it's really hard to explain in writing. In fact I don't even know how an atheist will think reading all These.
I will just end with a few more reasons of why you 😊
You are charming when you focus on doing what you do.
You are creative and you never bore me.
I still think you smell good when you said you are sweaty and smelly.
You can get me to 99.999.
You have a good voice.
The size of you tummy is just right.
Your hugs.
You are very very very lovely.
This list can go on forever ♾️
Finally, I know we always say that we don't know how tomorrow will be. That's true but at the same time for me, I choose to put my trust in God for my tomorrow and know that he will prepare me for my future in his unique ways. And IF. IF in the very end you really aren't the one that he has prepared for me, I won't force it. And I believe that God will eventually guide me to resolve this in my heart. (And maybe I will become Mother Teresa 😀)
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