It's been difficult for me to put words together in the past few days, I haven't been feeling well/better.
I also have been having pretty bad jetlag this time, could only sleep at 4/5am in the last 3 nights. A lot of crying through the nights.
I still had different activities in the last few days, but honestly none of those really helped ease my low mood, be it family or friends gathering, or even church.
When I was going home tonight, I asked myself where I think the lonely and out of place feelings come from. Then I realised perhaps it's never about where I am at (HK or UK) or whom I am with physically, it's from the burden of carrying all the emotions and wounds within myself, feeling like no one really knows my stories and those things I've done that are too heavy and shameful to share.
I once read it somewhere that, the key to intimacy is vulnerability. The more vulnerable we are willing to be in front of the other person, the more intimate the relationship can be. Being vulnerable means showing the side of you that you are least confident and comfortable with, and letting the other person understand and respond to it. I know this is what I long for and why the loneliness.
Happy Valentines Day, Andy.
Please know that I am not saying this to you in bitterness. I can probably write you a million times that I miss you, I love you, and I long for you. But if I have to be specific, I miss the intimacy that I feel when I am with you.
Goodnight.
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