❤️‍🩹

hello, dear Andy, how are you?

My friend passed away very late last night, I got the news from Vienna earlier today at noon after going to church. I was supposed to join the Christmas party of the care group that I attended last week, but I really am not in the mood for gatherings, so I told them that I am really sorry that I couldn’t join last minute and only passed them the gifts that I prepared. I went home after getting some food alone nearby our church.

I had a really rough sleep last night. Even before I knew that he passed away, I have been dropping tears on and off since I woke up, when I was at church, on my way back home and right now lying on my bed.

I am not that close to him in person compared to the others, so I guess I don’t feel as much sadness as the others about his passing, and I know he is now in a better place, free from suffering. But I feel an immense grief for his family and friends, especially his wife. He was only 30ish years old and it all happened so quickly that no one is prepared. My other friends in the same community including Vienna (even she’s his ex) all grew up together. They are slightly older than me but they’ve watched me grow, and we had served side by side for many years at church. We may not meet anymore these days, but I just can’t help but worry about each of them who must be mourning for the loss.

I am still digesting the news. Why does God allow such tragedy to happen? Why take away the life of such a young man and leave his wife and parents in the world to live in sorrow? We all want to end the year with a grateful heart, but this news that came just before the end of the year, thinking how his wife will have to live on a new year as a widow – it’s hard to not question, where is the goodness that God has promised. It reminds me of some of the sharing I wrote here before, why do bad things happen to good people.

During the service today at church, the last song we sang happened to be the song my friend and his wife chose for their wedding 5 years ago, that I played piano for. It’s a rearrangement of “Amazing Grace”, and this is what the additional chorus says:

My chains are gone, I've been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy reigns

Unending love

Amazing grace

It can’t be a coincidence, and I just couldn’t but started tearing up again. Right now, the only answer I have to all these questions in my heart is: I don’t know. I don’t know why such tragedy is happening to my friend and his family and friends. But I do know that, at this moment, as his family and friends, and I grief about his sudden passing, Jesus is griefing with all of us too. And it is okay to take our time to grief.

The lyrics in this chorus also brought me a great reminder. I shared about how I felt triggered yesterday when I first heard the news, that it reminded me of those scary emotions I had when I used to imagine my own death. I feel that God through this song reminded me that he has already rescued me from that dark place and brought light again into my life. And “those chains are gone, I have been set free.”

Sometimes, old emotions and trauma come back to haunt us in unexpected ways. But it doesn’t mean that we have to be defeated again, we just have to remind ourselves that we can take those thoughts captive. We have overcome it before, and we can do it again.

For me to do it again is by looking around me and be reminded of the reality that back then I made a choice to live, and because of that my friends and family now don’t have to mourn for me. And (if they knew) they would be grateful too that God saved me from those suicidal thoughts and they can continue to have me in their lives.

I think I am going to have to take the next few days or weeks to process the news. But I also want to take this chance to tell you:

I love you. Andy. Despite all that has happened and even though your presence may seem different in the different seasons of my life, I am and will always be grateful to have you in my life. And know that you will always be cherished, and you are worth more than a million to me (a bit cheesy). ❤️‍🩹🤍

I look super ugly (swollen eyes, red face, even still have a tissue below me) but I thought I’d still put a selfie here so that you won’t be too worried :)