Hello. I got three things to share with you here today:
I had my weekly appointment with the Chinese doctor yesterday. I wasn’t feeling very well mentally that morning but I still managed to be there after getting over some breakdowns, so I guess I didn’t look great when he saw me. When he checked my pulse as usual, he suddenly asked if I feel that my heartbeat is quick and if I have difficulty breathing. I wasn’t expecting that and my natural response to any mental related questions is to avoid or deny it. So I hesitated when I answered and I casually said “maybe a little” when in fact those symptoms have been part of my everyday life for a while. I guess he could feel that my energy level was low that day so we didn’t chat a lot during the session.
I felt really bad leaving the clinic because I felt I haven’t been completely honest with him, especially when I can feel that he genuinely wants to help me in every possible way that he can as my doctor. This goes back to the frustration I shared in the last post, about how I feel I lack the courage to open up myself. So during my bus ride back home, I decided to message him and I apologised for not being honest with him when he asked me that. I said I have some depression symptoms but I am just too introverted to talk about it with anyone.
He thanked me for telling him and he comforted me that having these mental issues aren’t too “big” of an issue. Then he said in fact emotions are reflected on the “pulses”, but he hasn’t found a good opportunity to ask me about it because he worried that I will be triggered. But now that I’ve told him, he can adjust his medication for me accordingly.
I feel kind of relieved and “proud” of myself for opening up to him about this even though it seemed like he already noticed for awhile. I considered seeking professional help before but I never did because I know I won’t feel comfortable to open up to a “stranger”. Even though he is not specialised in mental health, at least now I have a doctor who knows both my mental and physical issues and needs, and at the same time is someone I feel safe to open up to when I need to. I see this as my another little “milestone” on this journey of reconnecting with the world. Every baby step of doing that takes effort for me, that’s why it also means a lot to me.
And today, I had dinner with my cousin, the one who is also my hairdresser. We ended up talking about each other’s love relationship. I started with talking about this Chinese doctor who’s been on my mind for a bit and I am still figuring out what he’s thinking. But as she drilled deeper, I ended up sharing about my story about you as well.
This is the first time after a very long time that I talk about you in front of anyone in person. I never thought I would feel ready to do that without getting emotional. But turns out I actually can when I am in the right mental state and environment. To me, the most important thing is not really her responses or advice because I already know probably 9 out of 10 people would say I am a silly girl, but that I just made another baby step to talk about something that is really close my heart.
One thing that she asked me was, what kind of romantic partner am I looking for. I had a thought and I said, I think I need someone who has the patience to understand that I am a complex person yet still accept and embrace that is who I am, to just be there by my side to support me as I grow and strive for what I believe in, and at the same time who has a beautiful soul and inner world that makes him so adorable that I’ll fall in love with again and again.
It is also as I said that to her, I realised that after all the relationship turmoil I have been going through recently, in the end it is still you, Andy, that I really miss and long to be with. I know I can always look elsewhere but I also know I will probably never find something as precious as I found in you. When I think of you, I remember how you were always there for me during that few years at Meyer. Some days I am easier to deal with, some days I am such a ball of emotions, yet you’re always patient with me. And whenever I got stuck in a cynical mood that I see the world as uninspiring and hateful, it is your beautiful and lovely soul that melts my heart once again and again. And lastly I just want to say, I do really love the Hannah who loves you, too. I think she is courage, strong, and kind. These are the characters that I aspire to be.
Miss you and love you.
PS I think I need to stop dressing like I am 20 years old
(the filter was added by my cousin)
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