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Something terrible happened.

Remember the guy I mentioned in this post. He's been studying in the UK and he contacted me again few weeks ago that he's coming to London, and he asked if he could stay in my place for a night. I rejected him because 1) my parents were just leaving today so I wanted some real rest, 2) I felt very awkward about it because of what happened between us years ago.

So I was going to meet him for dinner only tonight. But he suddenly told me that there's suddenly one more person staying in his friend's place where he's supposed to stay at, and he asked again if he could stay at my place. I didn't know how to say no without feeling bad because he asked twice.

There're so many things that happened at the night when we went back that I do not understand.

He suggested that we watched a movie, so we watched it on the double sofa bed side by side and lights were fully off. But he set it up that we shared a blanket. Midway after I went to the toilet, he offered to share the pillow he was leaning on at his back. We ended up sitting even closer, my head was on his shoulder because I was almost lying down. Then he suddenly touched my upper leg (I wore shorts) in a 'casual' way and said see if I would feel tickling. And eventually he moved to my waist inside my clothes. Then after going around my legs and waist and neck, he tried to go under my shirt from its neck opening and he touched my breasts. He touched my nipples. He asked me from time to time if I felt tickling. Then he asked if I liked him tickling me. I didn't answer. But that's it. He didn't kiss me, didn't say anything more. He also didn't give me any other 'love gestures', not even a hug or holding hands.

I did not know how to react. I did not understand what was happening. Was he trying to flirt with me? Does he have any feeling towards me? Has he ever had all these years? Especially during the time when he tried to approach me when I was still with Sree and played with my fingers when we went to cinema? But we haven't contacted for years. Was he planning to lead to something more tonight? Or did he just genuinely want to make me feel 'comfortable' with his touches? Why did he even do that to me.

And I feel terrible because my body wanted it. My heart didn't, my mind didn't, my soul hated it. But my body wanted it. It even wanted him to just give it to me. Everytime around this time of my cycle my hormones go crazy. My mind was all confused and I didn't know how to stop him. And I freaking hate myself when I think that it might be because no one's touched me for awhile.

He tried to go down and he touched it outside my shorts. But I kept my legs closed and I moved his hand away. He eventually stopped as the movie ended. Then he asked twice if I was sleeping here tonight. I said 'no, I'll sleep in my room.'

In my heart I was like what? no. What's your thinking? What do you actually want from me? I do not understand. Was it because I wore a skirt tonight? He's supposed to have a girlfriend. He never mentioned her to me anyway even when we had dinner, but he also didn't ask about me. He does not know any of my story. I only talked about very shallow things. We don't even have one common friend, so I don't know how he treats other people.

I don't know why all these happened. I only know I feel terrible. I don't like him at all, not even 1%. Maybe I feel guilty to him because I distanced from him suddenly but that's it. We all know I only only like you, 100% of my heart is yours. Even when he touched me, all I could think of was I wish that was you. It was all you in my head. If it's you who did the exact same to me, it would feel 2000 times better. Every single touch you gave me, no one has ever made me feel the same way. So I feel so guilty to you and myself that I allowed this to happen.

I feel terrible. I originally took these photos of my outfit today but now I feel bad to even put them here. I am so sorry Andy.