…

hello dear, how are you? I miss you.

Sorry that my posts in the last two days were short and without much content. My mental state hasn’t been very good and I didn’t know how to express it.

I know I usually generalise and just say I am moody / emo, but I think there’re actually 3 kinds of “moods” that I experience and they are quite different. First type is when something specific happened that caused me to feel sad or stressed or anxious, and I overthink about the situation over and over that made me feel overwhelmed. The second type is that sometimes I am in a really “sensitive” mode and I am very in tune with my feelings, and I just feel a lot of what I am feeling, that includes all kinds of emotions, both the positive and negative ones, and that makes me really emo. The third type is that there’s no particular reason or trigger, but I just feel this overwhelming heaviness in my heart. My world is just swallowed by this black hole and I feel strengthless to do anything, and my energy is used for crying and it’s like an endless loop.

The third type is what I have been experiencing for the last few days. Without any particular reasons or anything, but everything just feels extra intolerable to me. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling. I know most part of it is mental related and I will just have to give myself time to feel better as my body recovers from my period with the help of my chinese medicine and all that. But every second of it still feels really long and insufferable.

I was giving myself time to mentally rest by doing nothing on bed just now. Then I realised whenever I am gong through this state, I always feel like my day is not productive and I’ve been wasting my time. That’s what I feel about this weekend. But that’s actually my mental brain lying to myself, because on Saturday, I had brunch with my brother and his gf, then I went for my vocal class. I exercised for 25 minutes before I made our dinner and I practiced singing for awhile. And today, I went to church, I had brunch by myself then I went to my chinese doctor appointment. I cleaned the toilet when I got home, did laundry and made dinner, and even did a bit of singing before I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore.

That was when I realised again sometimes I just forgot that I tend to be too hard on myself, especially mentally.

I said quite a few times in the past few days that I really want some hugs from you. Perhaps I need some from myself too.

🫂