🫂

hello, how are you, my dear?

I miss you. I wish I could say that I am finally feeling better after trying to take it easy for a few days, but the truth is I still feel like crying all the time without even knowing why, and it’s making me feel more and more mentally tired.

Yesterday (Friday) at home, I cried so much suddenly during my lunch. There wasn’t any trigger, I just felt like I really needed to cry and I cried for almost an hour. The tricky thing is, I actually feel better every time after crying. My breathing gets smoother as I calm down. And it’s almost like the longer/more intense I cry, the longer the calming feeling lasts before the next wave of breathlessness overwhelms me.

Even though I felt quite tired from the crying, I was feeling calm enough that I could still go to the care group gathering at night. But this morning as I woke up, I felt that suffocating feeling again and had to cry it out before I could get up.

I went on my day as “usual” after I got up, I went out with my brother and his gf for brunch, did grocery shopping, prepared ingredients for dinner. After all that, I really felt like exercising and sweating, so I did some training exercise at home for almost an hour. Then I noticed every time I hit the most intense bit and felt out of breath, I felt like crying again.

I was quite frustrated because I thought I would feel better as I exercise. I shared with my chinese doctor about it, and he said maybe my body is trying to let the emotions out. It’s not that I disagree with him, I just don’t know if that is the answer I wanted to hear. But I guess I also shouldn’t expect him to be too gentle and empathetic to me.

I guess what frustrates me the most is, I know logically that all these crying is an indication that I am carrying some overwhelming emotions and my body is reacting to them, but I don’t really know what those emotions are. All I feel is a swirl of emotions that are all tied up. And it’s probably my subconscious that is stopping me from untying them, because I am so scared of the overwhelming pain that I’ll feel if I do that.

I guess this has always been who I am. So emotionally sensitive and complicated, yet so weak in comprehending my own feelings.

Whenever I feel so strengthless during my cry, I would ask myself, “Is there anything you want to say to yourself in this moment?”, and I’d look at my pinky dog and imagine myself saying, “It’s okay my dear, even if you haven’t figured out what these crying is all about. We’ve been through painful moments like this before together, and we’ve managed to get through every single one of them so far. So know that this too shall pass. And remember, I’ll always be here with you, so is God.”

Hugs, Andy. 🫂

Me earlier today, the mirror always make me look longer than I actually am.