念

How are you, Andy? I imagine that I'd give you a hug and tell you that I miss you.

My therapist friend sent me the latest song release of Panther Chan yesterday night, I only had the chance to listen today and I dropped so many tears when I listened to it.

It's a song singing to people who have suicidal thoughts. In one of the lines it says:

I am most guilty of not realising that you're grieving, and that I couldn't use my energy to save you from your dying self.

I remember there was a period when I felt really angry at all of my friends because they weren't here for me during those darkest days in the UK. I didn't really express the anger, I just gradually absorbed it and isolated myself.

Over time, I feel less 'angry' and I am able to occasionally hang out with them, but it no longer feels the same. I show up and meet them only because I know if I don't, they might find it strange or think that I don't want to be with them. But to me there's no closeness in the friendship anymore, I don't really talk about how I am actually doing recently. I guess deep down, that disappointment never really went away.

I feel really sad and sorry whenever I think about that. If I am to blame, I blame myself and my depression, because I know that they never meant to make me feel this way. I never have the courage to show people how not okay I am and I pushed them away before I even fully open my heart to tell them how wrong I've been.

So when my therapist friend sent me the song, I guess it somehow triggered that wound inside me, but in a healing way. Perhaps it's not just her who wants to say those words to me. Maybe it's also you, Jojo, Rubychu, and a few others who somehow knows I am struggling but just don't know how to help and express that they care.

Nothing we go through is wasted.

I came across this line when I was recovering from my crying today. Even though it hasn't felt easy at all (in fact it felt terribly tough) for me for quite a long time, some days I do also feel that if it wasn't because of all these struggles and hurt, I wouldn't be able to truly experience the amount of healing, love and grace that God is able to give.

I don't know how you're doing these days, but I hope you can believe that too. God may not always let us understand the timing and scope of the full picture that he has for us, but I believe that he will help us see that nothing we go through is wasted.

Love you. 🤍