D-1

hello dear, how are you? I miss you loads.

Today is the last full day before I go to the UK. I went to my chinese doctor’s appointment this morning. When he checked my pulse, he immediately said I must be really nervous lately and thinking about a lot of things. I admitted and I said it’s because I am leaving soon. But I didn’t know how to express and elaborate.

Then earlier during my shower, I really felt like I needed to reflect on why I’m going to the UK this time. I thought back about the last few trips that I’ve made to the UK in the past two years. I went there 3 times last year, first time in January for work and my graduation, then in May for helping my parents settle down in Manchester, and lastly in September for work in Paris and stopping by the UK. And earlier this year I went to Europe for work and stopped by the UK.

Then I realised that they all had a commonality, that is these trips all happened because of some external factors, like school, work or my parents. They weren’t really initiated by me. I remember that was one of the reasons why I always felt stressed and frustrated about these trips is because I always felt like I didn’t want to go.

But for this trip, it was actually initiated by me, back in May. I remember I was going through a lost and quiet season after my parents went back to the UK. I prayed and reflected a lot on what pictures I might have for my short - medium term future. One of things I felt like God encouraged me to do was to join that Vietnam mission trip, and another thing was to potentially stay in the UK for a bit longer, to give the place another try after two years to see if I’ll consider moving over or not at one point.

In fact, this is probably why I feel so stressed about this trip. Compared to all my previous trips to the UK that were “involuntary”, this trip is a different kind of “stepping out of the comfort zone” for me. It is me challenging myself to revisit the possibility of moving to the UK, which is something that I haven’t had the courage to even think about seriously, because my last experience of living in the UK in Kingston during my Masters study 2 years ago was also the darkest period in my life.

But even though it is overwhelming to think this way, I also want to encourage myself that I know the Hannah now is a lot different from the 2022 Hannah. I know that I’ve made a lot of progress in the past 3 years trying to navigate through the depression, loneliness and social withdrawal. I won’t say I am “recovered”, but I know that I’ve grown a lot mentally and spiritually along the way. And I believe that I will continue to grow as long as I continue to allow God to walk with me through this journey.

Miss you dear Andy. My flight is in the evening tomorrow, I actually still have to go to the office tomorrow because of an important in person meeting. But I’ve packed all my stuff so I hope everything will go smoothly tomorrow.

Love you and good night 🤍