:( day

dear andy, how are you? i had a tough day and i miss you a lot today :(

I went in to the office mainly because I had to take my car back home, and I also have a meeting with senior management today for the product management project I am working on with Edison in the afternoon, so I thought I’d prefer doing that meeting with him together in office.

I was a bit unsure about going back because my stomach is still feeling quite unwell with diarrhoea, and I don’t know what food I can have with the team near the office. So I asked Edison last night and he suggested maybe I can come in in the afternoon and we can go to a chinese place that the team goes to quite often where they serve healthy steamed fish. So I thought I’d follow him and I went in before lunch today.

But then when it was about lunch hour, turns out the others were thinking to go to a different restaurant for lunch and it’s a western place. I think it’s partly because they were gonna celebrate Howe’s birthday. So I looked at the menu online, I was next to Edison at that time and I wanted to show him the menu, but then maybe he felt like I was too close to him, he suddenly said “excuse me” in a cold way, as if I offended him.

I actually wasn’t aware at all and I really wasn’t intentionally getting close to him. But that coldness from him just became a trigger for me. I told them that I don’t think there’s anything I can eat on the menu, but it seems like they still wanted to go ahead and Edison also didn’t suggest the chinese place that he mentioned last night, so I just said they can go ahead and I will just eat something myself.

I was so close to having a breakdown on the spot. After they all left, I just immediately went to the toilet and cried.

I guess I just feel hurt by Edison even though maybe he wasn’t intentional. But sometimes his coldness and distance just makes me feel really hurt. I also couldn’t help feel left out even though I know that was also not the intention of anyone because I am the one who is unwell and can’t have good food. But that feeling of rejection and disappointment really triggered my emotions.

I stayed in the toilet crying for almost 20 minutes. This was definitely more intense than the breakdown I had last time 2 weeks ago, I realised I probably need more time to recover and maybe I should go home. I wasn’t sure if I could still interact with Edison in person without feeling further triggered, and I also didn’t want to pretend that I am fine and join their birthday celebration later. I couldn’t decide at first if I should stay or not, so I told myself to go get an onigiri and soup downstairs the office and try to calm down first, and I could decide later.

I was still so emotional unstable that I didn’t want to eat in an open space, so I went into the room with the curtain, where we spent a lot of important moments in. I was still half sobering when I ate. After eating I decided that going home is a better option because I am also cautious that I should try my best to remain professional at work despite my mental state, and I know that I’d be more stable if I remove myself from the environment and have the meetings at home.

So I dropped Edison a message saying that I decided to go home first. He (and probably everyone else) thought that it’s because of my stomach. He then asked me how am I feeling, I actually didn’t want to reply him, but then 30 minutes later he asked me again if I’m home yet. So I replied him that my stomach is okay, it’s just that I am not in a good mental space to be around the office. After that I switched to a casual topic and stopped replying him.

I actually was still tearing as I drove back home. I just really felt like I needed a big cry. l finally had the chance to do that in between my meetings after going home.

I think I am feeling a little bit better now, but I still feel like crying a lot. I think this might take me a bit of time to recover and feel less hurt.

I feel that this is an on-going struggle for me that I can be so sensitive and easily triggered, and most of the time, I just don’t know if it’s healthier / more right to just isolate myself to regulate myself like I did this time, or to try to communicate and express myself to the other person. This really is a tough struggle for me.

Today is one of those many days that I just really miss you. Because I know that with you, even when things like that happen, we always ended up reconciling, and that was what drew us closer.

Miss you, dear bear. (don’t know why, I feel like calling you that today)

This was me in the morning going to the office before all the episodes

This was me after the first round of crying from the toilet :(