Give

How are you doing these days dear?

I didn't feel very good this morning but couldn't pinpoint why. Until later I was at home and my dad talked to me about our car (we've been considering getting a new car and I've been helping research some options for months), and after saying a lot of things he basically meant it's unlikely we'll get a new car.

For some reasons I felt my emotions started to flood, so I went back to my room immediately. As I started crying hard in my blanket, I realised I've accumulated this feeling that people take me for granted. I am not really "sad" that we're not getting a new car, but more of feeling disappointed that after all the effort I've put in providing options and information to help my parents decide, they just fall back to not getting one because it's the "easiest" option.

This is actually just the triggering event, there're a lot of small and hidden things that led to build up this feeling of people taking me for granted. For example, since my brother got a girlfriend, he no longer comes to my room to see how I'm doing as often. Even if I go find him he'd be on his phone with his girlfriend or playing computer games, and he'll only find me if he needs something from me. Or sometimes I feel like I put a lot of effort to put something meaningful or special here for you, but I don't actually know how much you'd actually read/watch. I have similar feelings at work too, that sometimes Vincent doesn't really know or recognize how much work I've done.

What makes it feel harder is I don't have anyone that I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and share about these thoughts and feelings. The only thing I could do was cry it out secretly in my blanket (while feeling so worried that my brother next door would hear it) and tell God about all these things.

I think I cried for about half an hour, almost suffocated in the blanket (haha), and I suddenly heard a voice in my heart that said these to me:

Remember those days when you were strengthless to do anything?

It is a blessing to be able to give.

I know you face a lot of disappointment as you give, Hannah. And it sometimes feels like no one sees you and all those you've done.

But know that I see it all.

And I promise that none of these will go in vain. All the things you do that are out of love and obedience, they are seeds sown and will bear fruits.

Although they came from my "heart", I believe they are from God, his response and comfort to my cry. I feel he wants me to know that it is not my fault that I have these negative feelings as I give. But he also wants me to be a joyful giver by remembering that I am able to give only because he's given me a lot and that he always appreciates whenever I choose to give.

Photos of today, I went out to have brunch by myself this morning