Today was a special Sunday at my church celebrating its 25th anniversary. I haven’t attended this church that long (I grew up going to another church until university), but I still felt very moved and glad for the church.
Ever since I had to travel to and back from the UK very often and my parents have moved away from HK, there has been this unanswered question in my heart: “where is my home?”
I still don’t have a clear answer yet. Most of the time, I feel like HK should be my home because this is where I grew up in. But to be really honest, I never blended well into those 100% local culture, and sometimes I feel like the alien here more than I am in anywhere in the world. And without my parents here, my “home” in HK also never feels the same anymore.
On the other hand, I feel quite culturally comfortable in the UK. I feel at ease with the pace and vibe there. Even though that 1 year study in the UK was mentally tough for me, that apartment I rented in Kingston was probably one of the few places in the world that made me feel truly safe, where I could be as vulnerable as I needed to be. But I also know that I haven’t settled in the UK long enough to call it “home”.
Sometimes, these thoughts led me feel really lost and that I don’t belong anywhere. But today, I was reminded how going to this church is my favourite activity of the week even though I am like a sneaker there who never joined any activities other than the service or made any friends (Vienna doesn’t count because we both used to go to the other church that I grew up in). That is because I always feel very safe when I am there. To me, this church is a space where I can secretly take off my mask, be vulnerable, and be refreshed by encountering God through music and message.
That’s when I realised that maybe “home” to me is never about the place or people or culture, it’s a feeling of being safe. And right now for me, knowing that God is here with me is when I feel the safest.
I feel like this is such a timely reminder for myself because I am about to fly out again in a few days. I am definitely going to feel lost going back to the old familiar place (Paris) and the UK, then back to HK. I might not be able to hold on to a physical place and call it “home”. But I know that whenever I travel far and alone, I feel God’s presence closer than ever, and that is what makes my heart feel safe.
I really like what the pastor encouraged us today. He said: Don’t miss the work of God in your life. In the midst of the turbulence that I go through internally and externally every day, I sometimes forget how I am growing stronger and brighter bit by bit, and a lot of times it is because of how God comes through to meet me at my weakest.
PS. I mastered pan & stir frying two dishes at the same time today.
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