I miss you a lot today.
I had a vocal class this morning and it's in Camel Building, so I drove and parked in the office and walked over. Do you know so far after quite a lot of times I have been to the office, I have not walked down that road from the office to Camel building) so far, because to me that's the street with loads of memories of you.
When I walked down that road today again for the first time, I remember how you would annoy me a lot along the way because I was often grumpy. I also remember how you would complain that I don't watch the road and crowd. I always wanted to 'defend' myself by saying it's actually because I forgot about the world when I am with you. And I feel safe whenever you are next to me. That's why I seem so careless because I know you'd protect me. And I actually secretly enjoyed it when you held my body to stop me from dangerously crossing the road. But my face was too thick to be this flirty, and I ended up never having the chance to say that to you. And today, I had to watch the road by myself.
Then something I really didn't expect happened after my vocal class.
I bumped into Neil outside Camel Building while I was waiting for my takeaway, and he was WAVING at me, as if we are friends. He was with some friends/colleagues. When he passed by, he said to me "Oh you're in HK?" I was in shock and I wrongly answered "Yeah but I am leaving next month."
I was in shock because I clearly remember that when we broke up, he said he won't greet me if we ever meet on street. I also remember he said that he doesn't count as we were together.
I guess, only I would remember and hold what others said or did to heart. I am the exact kind that people would jokingly say, "You care too much".
But what can I do? It's not me if I don't care, isn't it?
I know perhaps even you would think all these that happened today are just very small things. But remember I told you before, for someone who has depression like me, everything feels like a trigger. A suicide news feels like a trigger, a random encounter feels like a trigger, even an eye contact can feel like one. Everything is overwhelming three times more to me than normal people. A day like this is worth a whole night of tears for me.
Miss you and need some hugs.
PS. To add to this day that feels a lot to me, Edwin messaged me again. He asked if I am still coming to the UK this week. I know I have all the reasons to ghost or even block him. But I feel the right way is to properly tell him yes but I don't plan on meeting him. But I am just not in that mental state to deal with it today.
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