This morning I was woken up by my parents arguing in the kitchen. I could only briefly hear what they said from my room but I kinda could guess what it was about. Then my mom started to become really emotional, and I heard that she left to work while crying really hard. I thought of intervening when they were still arguing earlier, but I know they are talking about something they need to talk to each other about, so I didn't.
My mom having emotional breakdown is my childhood trauma. And I feel awful listening to my mom's cry from my room, because I understand how that heartbreaking and disappointing cry feels like. But I also feel equally sorry for my dad, I know he didn't mean to. And it must be really awful for him to see my mom cry like that because of himself.
But at a deeper level, what makes me feel really sad is realizing how unavoidable that we hurt one another in a relationship at times. Both of them are mature adults and I am sure neither of them wanted to hurt the other person. I also don't think my mom is wrong to feel angry and sad at my dad, even though her crying and sharp words indeed must have hurt my dad too.
Then I recalled something that someone once taught me, she said, "There's no such thing as 'you should or are supposed to feel', your feelings are your feelings and they are real. But most importantly it's how you deal with these feelings."
That's what I am learning daily, as someone who often feels a lot. I have to remind myself that denying what I feel is actually not the way out. The way to close the loop of hurting is to learn how to manage those emotions and express them in the appropriate way and time.
It makes me think of you. I wonder how your relationship is going. I don't know what I can say to you because I don't actually know how it is truly going. But I want to tell you that, perhaps we all fall short at times no matter how hard we try. But it doesn't mean that we are destined to live in brokeness. I hope you know that you don't need to be deserving in order to be forgiven and fully loved. And I believe that even though we sometimes can't see how, God will always have his unique way to bring healing and reconciliation in our life. It's never too late to choose the right thing, never never too late.
Lastly, I wanted to mention I just found out that I now can access your instagram again. I am not sure why and if it's because you unblocked me. I can brainstorm a million possible reasons about this and allow it to turn into an anxiety breakdown, but I am choosing not to because I know that won't help. Just wanted to let you know that I noticed that.
Love you, and thinking of you.
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