An unpleasant experience

hello dear, how are you today? miss you extra today 🫂

Today I met with Joao for lunch because it is his birthday. In fact, he suggested that we go to the AIA carnival and then have dinner together. At first I said yes to the plan, but after thinking deeper about it for the last few days, I feel it is a bit inappropriate for me to spend the whole afternoon and dinner with him on his birthday, especially because I don’t want to mislead him that I am interested in him. But I also don’t want to be a bad friend who just ditches him last minute on his birthday, so I counter proposed to him on Christmas Eve that we’d only do lunch together today.

But after meeting him today for lunch, I figured that this probably would be the last time I meet him outside of church or sunday. It was actually quite an unpleasant experience. But still, I tried my best to remain kind and polite because it was his birthday.

The first thing that made me feel unpleasant was that he shared with me some of his recent new thoughts on his “next steps” to settle his issue with his ex girlfriend, and I strongly disagree with his thinking. I don’t want to share too much detail here, but basically he is thinking to expose the girl’s darkest story to her parents. He thinks that is for her parents’ “good” to know such trauma of her daughter. But I was really triggered when I heard that, because even though I don’t know the girl and her true reason for hiding it, I can totally relate to her choice of keeping such things from her parents. And I hold a really strong point of view that even though it may not be healthy for her to keep that away from her parents, it is ultimately her choice to open up, at her own timing, if that’s her will, because it is her own traumatic story. Just as how I can’t even imagine if someone shares with my parents about all the mental struggles I’ve gone through in the past few years without my consent.

What made me even more angry was that he claimed that he thinks this is the right and Godly thing to do. But from my perspective as an outsider, I see his intentions of bringing justice to himself and using that as a way of revenge.

I was really upset when I heard him sharing. But I decided not to dive deeper into it and debate with him, because it was his birthday and I know that he hasn’t been very mentally stable. I also feel that I don’t want to step in as an outsider. But it just really shows me how we see and approach things differently despite sharing the same faith.

But this is not just the only thing that made our meet-up today unpleasant. He also did and said things to me that made me feel uncomfortable as a girl. For example, he kept randomly calling me a fat girl and thinks that is funny. He also likes to say I am weird and mock me, and when I don’t respond to his “name calling” or mockery, he would pinch my arm, hand, waist, or even my cheek. He even tried to hug me casually when I laughed politely at his joke. And I immediately said no and resisted it, but he tried it another time after awhile.

So I just really felt so offended and disrespected as a girl. I understand that he is going through a lot and that might make him being prone to acting out of character or out of the line. But that still doesn’t mean I have to take on all these offensive behaviours from him. And I am just glad I told him beforehand that I had to go at around 3pm, so I didn’t have to stand it for too long.

In fact, I think he could already sense that I was quite uninterested in him. So at one point, he asked me if I think he is handsome, and I answered that I think he is good looking. Then he went on to ask then what is it that I think he is lacking, and I said that is a deep question that I would like to take some time to think about and answer him. Then he asked me to give him an answer by the end of the year if I can. So that’s what I plan to do.

After I got home, I just immediately hid under my blanket and hugged my pinky dog until I felt safe enough to release all my emotions.

On one hand, I feel sorry for myself for having to bear with all these uncomfortable feelings. I know that it is somehow a consequence of me trying to be kind and polite. But on the other hand, I could also see myself growing up from my past, because throughout the experience, I could hear the strong side of me that keeps reminding me to protect myself by setting boundaries when necessary, and also not let his words or actions doubt my worth. I know that I may not have the best body shape, but I know that I’m more than being called as a “fat girl”. And I know that people might think I am weird, but that is because they don’t truly know me and understand me.

So that is why I don’t think I will be seeing him anymore. I will need to figure out an appropriate way to communicate with him, but I believe God will give me the right words, so that I can be kind and honest at the same time. I also feel that God has some important lessons for me in this relationship. I have definitely learned and grown up from this.

This experience also makes me miss you extra. When I was hiding in my blanket, I thought about how you once told me that “don’t try to change, because I am more than enough.” These words from you still bring me so much reassurance and comfort whenever I start to doubt myself in any relationship.

Hugs, Andy dear. I listen to moon tang’s “dear elissa” whenever I feel this way. Miss you 🥺

This is me today 🥺