Back to office day

hello dear, how are you? I miss you.

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday, I was adjusting myself to be back after the short holiday and I already had 9pm meetings for two nights in a row (yesterday and today).

I also went in the office today to review some samples. I thought I was mentally manageable in the morning when I went in, and I also was relatively stable emotionally throughout the day. In fact, I was rather calm and quiet. Veron even said I look a bit glowing today when I passed by her seat. I had lunch with the big group and I sat next to Jason (luckily he didn’t mention about you). But I don’t know why close to 7 as I was leaving, and the moment I sat in my car after saying goodbye to Howe and Edison, I felt a flood of emotions again and the urge to cry :( I held it together until I finished my 9:30pm meeting at home, and I immediately went into my bed and just let it out now.

I know it’s related to hormones too because my period is a bit late as well. But I also can’t help but start to feel that my emotions seem to fluctuate more whenever I go in the office, and I can’t seem to identify what the exact triggers are. My guess is, it is probably a lot of different small things that add together. Like, feeling left out and not fit in because I technically am not part of the Meyer Labs team even I work closely with them, insecure and stress because of work especially these days I work really independently, sitting next to Edison (our hot and cold interaction and me trying to be calm in front of him), and missing your presence (subconsciously and consciously, even after a few years). It’s just a lot of small, hidden details that trigger me emotionally that I wouldn’t even notice at that moment, until towards the end of the day when it’s all bottled up.

It does feel a bit frustrating to feel like I can’t even manage a typical office day like all normal people do, and I don’t really know how else I can manage it better. I always give myself a little prep talk and time with God before I get up to go in the office, I also try not to put my energy in the wrong place throughout the day, and I make sure I have enough breaks to toilet as well. But I feel like every time I am just barely surviving, either I push myself to the extremely high energy level end that is abnormal, or I just have to cry so badly to unload my emotions when I get home.

But at least, I think I feel slightly better now after crying it out and sharing it here. I thought I would write about my bangkok trip reflection and wrap up here tonight, but I guess I’ll have to save it for another day again.

Hugs. Miss you.