“Be honest with yourself”

hello dear, miss you. how are you?

I am sorry that I threw a lot of unfiltered thoughts and words here in the last few days, it’s because my mind is really messy.

This morning when I woke up, I felt like having a mental breakdown again. In the middle in it, I don’t know why there was a voice in my heart that said to me, “You need to be more honest with yourself.”

I like to say I am a complicated person. What I really mean is I always have so much contradictory feelings and thoughts flying over my mind, and my heart doesn’t always know which ones to follow. The truth is I hate being in that position and every time I just want to pressure myself to figure it out.

I push away some of my feelings without even noticing. It might be because they are too self centred and I judge myself before even letting myself process it, or they are too idealistic and realist side of me doesn’t want to give myself any false hope.

That is why being honest with myself is such a difficult lesson for me. I have to accept that I may not always have the answer to everything, and sometimes I just really need more time to process those contradictory feelings and thoughts before I can feel resolved and make up my mind on anything.

I said a lot of “I hope” as my conclusion in my last writing, but they aren’t truly what I feel, just what I wanted the situation to be like.

The truth is, perhaps I do have (and perhaps will always have) some feelings for Edison. The things I described about him in the last part of my writing yesterday have always been what I am attracted to about him. But I also know so clearly in my heart that I am not strong enough to go further than where we are now without turning it into an unhealthy relationship.

There are two kinds of love in this world, the healthy and the unhealthy. The healthy kind of love makes you grow stronger as you love. The unhealthy kind drives you only to desire to be loved, and eventually it decays both hearts.

I want to love healthily in any relationship even if it means keeping a distance with the other person. And for my case with Edison, it means staying at where we are now. We love and take care of each other in ways that we are good at, as good friends and colleague.

For me, this is probably the harder choice because I will always have this desperate feeling of wanting to feel loved even if it causes me to hurt even more later on. But this has always been my own internal battle, and I should protect him from being hurt from that.

So I decided to give myself some time to practice being honest with myself. It might mean my mind changes more than I used to, but maybe that is part of the process I need to go through to figure myself out.

And guess what I did in the end today? I ditched Edison and didn’t go in the office today (haha…) I told him I am not feeling very well because of my period (I wasn’t lying about that, but know that if it was you instead of him, I would definitely still go in to meet you despite the unwell). I do kinda feel bad, especially when I realised afterwards that there is a part of me that does want to see him. But I guess that’s just how much I still feel like running away from the whole situation.

Good night, dear Andy. I miss you a 20 million times more than missing anyone.

(Sorry I don’t have any photos today cause I stayed home and I look really ugly with my period. )