Be still and know

hello dear, how was your day? miss you.

I am a bit moody today, feeling a bit lonely. I guess after writing so many posts in the past few weeks to try to tell you in different ways that I really love you and miss you, it just makes me miss you even more.

I was scrolling Instagram just now and saw that Sree (my first boyfriend) posted a story of celebrating 2nd anniversary with his girlfriend. I got curious so I clicked on his profile, and I realised that he still hasn’t deleted some of the posts that are related to me.

I remember long ago when we were still together, he did say he wouldn’t delete our photos even if we broke up and he moved on, because that past is precious and will always be part of him. I didn’t believe him that time, I felt he was only saying that because he wanted to please me and he’d probably delete them when he had a new girlfriend. He did delete the other ones where my face is on the photo, but he kept these two:

Honestly…I am not even sure how to feel about that. Perhaps all I can say is, I did leave a mark in his heart.

And that got me thinking, did I leave a mark on other people too? My first crush, Neil, Edison,

you…and not just about romantic relationships, but all kinds of other relationships, in people’s lives and hearts. I guess by now I’ve learned and accepted that for some relationships, we come and go in people’s lives. But even then all I hope is I will leave a mark in others, the kind of mark that reminds people of love and kindness.

Perhaps because it’s the beginning of a new year, that voice that makes me doubt myself sounds louder than usual in my head. I feel like I haven’t been doing that well enough. A lot of times I’m just being overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings, especially when I feel hurt and cynical about the world and everyone. As much as I try to hide that on the outside, people probably feel the cold of me a lot of times.

And then the year just started but I already feel like I have so many things to worry about - my brother started a new job that he no longer works from home and I have to take care of even more household chores and him each day, my parents coming back soon for 10 weeks, Chinese new year that I hate, the upcoming business trip to Frankfurt, my career path and growth (feeling a bit lost lately), my fluctuating physical and mental wellbeing, you who I really miss, the unknown of a full year that just began.

As I am writing these out here for you, I just can’t help tearing up haha. But there’s suddenly this line that just popped up in my mind: “Be still and know that I am God.”

I guess letting go of control and feeling at peace in the unknown will always be my lessons, but also remembering that I am no God - to carry all the burdens on my shoulders and expect myself to be always making progress in life.

And in the midst of feeling all these stress and anxiety for the new year, I’ll just have to hold on to remembering how God has guided me through a long way and given me peace and strength to overcome every single moment in the past. God has restored so much of what was once broken in my life in 2024. As a new year begins, I can also trust that he will do the same and continue to walk with me every step of the way.

Hugs, Andy.

Sorry I don’t have photos of myself for today :(