Hello, my dear. How are you spending the long weekend?
Sorry that I’ve been a bit “quiet” here about how my day to day life has been recently, my last post on my funeral song was also not meant to be any kind of “goodbye” post, I was just thinking about stuff and that randomly came to my mind.
It is good that this happens to be a long weekend, while I get to clear out all the errands and chores, I have a bit more mental space to breathe and sink in those thoughts I shared in the last few posts about my confused state lately.
As I do that in the last few days, there’s something that has come across my mind several times - an incident that happened during my darkest period. I briefly mentioned about it here before, but I never shared about what actually happened because I want to save this story for the day that I can finally share with you face to face one day. I still want to wait for that day, same for all the thoughts I had during my Dundee trip. But just so that you’ll be able to follow what I am sharing here today, the incident was that one time when I decided that I am ending my life, and God showed up and told me that that was not the time for me to die yet, there’re still things that he wants to do in me and through me, and he said to me specifically, “From now on, you live for me.”
I know I bring this up from time to time here despite how deep or vague or heavy it is to understand in writing, that’s because of the significance and implications of this incident/experience to my life since then. It’s been more than a year since that happened. Every time I rewind to that moment, it still strikes my heart so deeply as a reminder that it was a conscious decision that I made at that moment to not end my life, and I am still alive today because God says so.
If I am being totally honest, I still struggle till this day to understand what it means to live for God. The past few days (or actually weeks since I came back), I have just been ruminating about how I don’t know what I am doing, what and when the next chapter of my life is, or how lost I am about finding the “purpose” of life.
During my “quiet time” in the last few days, I took some moments to look back at the 27 years of my life, only to realise I have always been someone who questions and feels a lot internally, gets scared about the future but at the same time looks forward to it. And while I have been trying so hard to navigate through life by myself, I also know that it is God’s mercy and blessings along the way that has led me to who I am and where I am today.
I may not have accomplished anything big or miraculous like those legendary, heroic stories that people read about and honour just because God “called” me.
But what if to God, for me to live for him at this point of time simply means: getting out of bed every morning to live out the day even though my depressed mind tells me the other way round, contributing my best to whatever that is put in front of me, going the extra miles and being someone who builds people up at work, showering love over my brother by sharing the burden of household chores, messaging and calling to check in my parents regularly, taking care of myself by sleeping and eating enough, loving myself by being less harsh and demanding to myself, telling you that you are loved and in my heart everyday.
I know that I said before how I feel God has been so quiet lately. But perhaps the silence was intentional so that I could have enough space to meditate on what he has already revealed to me and allow that to permeate through every detail of my seemingly “mundane” and stuck life while he works out the things that are beyond my grasp at the moment.
Sorry for the very long sharing…I was trying to pour out the deepest thoughts of my heart. I hope you at least find it intriguing to read.
Last but not least, this is me on Saturday, getting plates of meats for hotpot with my brother and his gf.
And this is me having my own time out at my favourite coffee shop on Sunday after church.
Miss you and love you.
PS. I think I need to go shopping soon because I realise I can only wear vest and shorts in hk cause of the hot weather…
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