Car talk

hello dear, how are you? How was your weekend? I miss you.

My weekend was quite simple. I had my vocal class on Saturday, then on Sunday I went to church and had lunch with Vienna.

Aside from these activities, I spent half of the day on Sunday doing some financial planning at home by myself. This is something that I kinda of have been avoiding because I don’t like how it stirs up my anxiety and depression. But because I have been thinking about buying my own car and recently there’s one offered in the market that I was seriously considering, even though it’s not a super expensive option, but with all the running cost and future considerations, I know this is still a significant financial decision for me and I shouldn’t just make an impulsive decision.

I don’t know if I shared with you before, but the car I want to buy is the Toyota GT 86. It’s the same car model as Edison’s, but his is a different version called Subaru BRZ. It’s been my dream car for a few years and recently the price has dropped a lot with some below $100K, so it has become quite attractive for me.

But after going through some intensive and longer term financial planning, I realised that the running cost will be quite a stretch for me for this year if I still want to maintain some incredmental saving by the end of the year. It is also partly because I travelled back and forth between the UK and HK quite often in the past few years, and the cost of long haul travel is still quite significant afterall. So after running the numbers, I figured that I’d probably be more financially healthy if I wait for another few months.

If I am being honest with myself, I feel quite sad and disappointed because I’ve always wanted that car, and I finally waited till the market price to drop, there’s also parking slots readily available for rent at my housing estate, and our family car is also quite old. It really felt like this was about the time when I saw that 86 for sale in the marketplace that seems to be good market value and meet all my criteria.

But at the same time, when I looked at my financial planning, I also can’t help but feel uncomfortable if I stretch my budget to get the car. It just doesn’t feel right for me. All these mixed feelings just made me feel really anxious and stressed last night.

But when I woke up this morning, this Bible verse popped up in my heart: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”. I really felt like I needed God to help me resolve my internal wrestle. As I shared these frustrations with God in my prayer, I could gradually feel how God tried to show me a different perspective on this matter.

I thought about how the past two years has been a long journey for me to slowly recover from a really low point of my mental state. My mental health has been my priority and aside from that, our family also has been going through some changes that I had to support. It has not been easy at all and most of the time I had just been coping in survival mode. And If there’s anything to indicate that I’m finally making progress mentally, it is having this thought of “wanting my own car”, because that Hannah back then who was caved in that dark place wouldn’t even dare to desire anything.

I know I still have some way to go to living a healthy, stable lifestyle without calling myself “mentally ill”, and I’ve learnt that I can’t rush myself on this healing journey. But this is all showing that God has set me on a right trajectory, and I just need to trust that He holds the best timing for all the good things He wants to give me in life - whether it’s the car, a relationship, or any other desires I’ve been praying about.

I am feeling more at peace right now, and I feel glad that this situation forced me to do my financial planning, because I think it helps me get a clearer picture on my financial side.

Good night, hugs. 🫂