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hello dear, miss you.

Sorry I didn’t feel like journaling because I have been feeling quite a lot and also feeling physically tired in the last few days.

Jojo and Rubychu went to church with me on Sunday. It happened because I reached out to Rubychu when I was in the UK, and I asked her if she wanted to meet after hearing what’s happened with her life lately.

It’s been a few months since we last three gathered. I felt a bit nervous about it again, just like how I felt about meeting with my university crush the other day. But this time, I remind myself that I don’t have to force myself to draw closer with them if I still don’t feel comfortable, I can just be natural and see how it flows.

The meet up was actually fine, but I feel that my emotions are just still a bit unstable in the last few days, so when I had to visit my chinese doctor yesterday morning, I was actually quite hesitant. I had to go anyway because I made an appointment, but I really didn’t expect him to ask me directly how my emotions are lately. It felt so awkward for me that moment and I couldn’t answer properly again.

I felt so conflicted by myself because I know he makes me feel safe which is why I would sometimes share my inner thoughts (a little bit like with you here but less deep and frequent) with him over messages and that I no longer feel triggered by the physical touches during the session. But it’s also that with us being closer and closer as friends and him being able to notice my physical & mental state through checking my pulse, it’s like I am becoming more and more real and vulnerable in front of him, and that’s what suddenly makes me feel scared and hesitant.

I felt so bad again because I know he tries hard to help me and adjust my medication based on my situation, and it’ll be hard to do so if I am not honest with him.

This also makes me realise how much I have been hiding from the world since my mental illness, how easily I feel uncomfortable when people try to get close with me.

I shared this frustration with my therapist friend last night. She said the me that she knows is someone who always wants to be genuine when I am around the people that I care. But perhaps if I really don’t feel comfortable opening up as much at this point and I decided not to just yet, I am actually still choosing to be genuine by not forcing myself to be more than what I feel comfortable to be. She also said she hopes I don’t give myself too much pressure on this, because relationships are always both sided. And my uncomfortable reaction is also a way for him to understand and respect that I might still need space in this relationship at this stage.

I figured this is probably going to be a very long journey for me, whether it is the mental illness or the social withdrawal that comes with it. But she encouraged me that she knows I have walked a lot of steps. I can take my time, and the world will wait for me.

I am really thankful for how she helped me see this. I also told the chinese doctor afterwards that I really thank him for always cheering me up and trying so hard to help me, it touches me but it’s just I am not used to being so vulnerable in front of others, and I will try to be a better patient. He thanked me for trying hard to be more and more honest with him.

Miss you Andy. Going through all these just makes me realize again how special what I found with you, that you somehow make me feel this safe to share so much of myself with you.

I really miss a hug from you.

PS. I got invited to Vincent’s wedding on the 26th. I am thinking what to wear and I tried this skirt that I never wore after buying it. I think it’s too tight for me and it makes me look a bit fat.