How was your first day of Chinese new year? I still miss you a lot (I guess I always do), but I felt slightly calmer today. I woke up with really swollen eyes though, probably because of jetlag and all the crying.
I haven't bought any new nice clothes for quite a long while. So I had such a headache to think of what to wear today. In the end I just wore something old... but I guess it's okay as long as my relatives never saw it before.
Our family has this 'tradition' where my brother and I need to bring tea and say wishes to my parents in order to get our red packets and wishes. It's usually a very awkward moment for my brother and I. But this year my mom said to me she feels so happy that I can join bai nin this year. I know she said that because I wasn't here last year. But to me when I heard that, I felt a lot. Because if there's just one time (of the many) that I couldn't overcome those thoughts of ending my life, I wouldn't be here to hear that from her.
That was such a casual line that she said, yet no one would know I feel so much from it because it's a small reminder to me that I put a lot of effort to be where I am at today. And when I said where I am at today, I just mean being here, alive, learning how to humbly live a life that will bring love and light to the people around me.
This was taken in the afternoon when I got home from all the bai nin, so the swollen eyes were already slightly better. Miss you.
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