Contentment

How are you, Andy? Miss you. It’s been raining a lot lately, I remember you don’t like rainy days. Hope you’re able to stay dry.

Last night I had a dream about you and your family. It was a very messy dream with a lot of people, but they were all your relatives in my dream.

I still often experience this jealous feeling inside me these days. Sometimes it is when I see posts about foodie or couple or something else. Sometimes I even feel it in my dreams. And my emotions quickly become so strong as I start asking questions like: “Why am I not the one who….” Comparison is often the root of jealousy.

Last night, I asked myself what would be the solution to this when I began to immerse myself again in jealousy, and the word “contentment” came to my mind. I realised at that moment, that was what’s been missing in my heart.

I have always felt contentment will come to me when I have what I want, and it’s definitely not now. But the reality is our desire is endless - we will never be able to get everything we want. So sometimes, we try to control or inhibit those desires. But the cruel reality is, when we do that we end up finding ourselves fixing our eyes on those desires even more.

Are those desires wrong? They probably are not wrong most of the time. Does it even make sense to try to deny them? Perhaps not, because is it even realistic to lie to ourselves? In fact, Jesus did say we can pray for anything.

But at the same time we are also reminded that God sees everything and knows our hearts. Perhaps sometimes what it means by trusting in God, is remembering that he loves us and desires to give us what he thinks is best for us at this point in time, even though that might seem different from what we think is the best for ourselves.

I feel this is something that God wants me to learn in this season of life.

Contentment is actually not based on my physical circumstances, it is based on a heart that remembers how much God loved me and will continue to love me. Contentment is intentional and it requires constant practice. It is our nature to have desires and they are not necessarily wrong. But if we only fix our eyes on what we don’t have and forget to count those undeserved blessings that have been given to us, we will always feel unsatisfied.

So while I continue to be honest and talk to God about those desires I have, I also began a list on my phone to write down things that God provided for me when I was in desperate need. It feels so special when I realised how specific I could actually recall, including time and location.

I am sure this list will grow. I blocked some of them in the screenshot because I sill hope that one day, I can share the full list with you personally.

Miss you.

An old photo: