Day 12 Sunday London

hello dear, how was your weekend? I miss you 🤍

Today is the introverted day for me. In the morning, I visited the church at South Kensington that I used to go to during the year I lived in London. Then in the afternoon, I watched The Wicked Musical.

I always have this mixed feeling every time I come back to visit London since I moved back to Hong Kong after doing my masters. It reminds me of that one year of living here, when I experienced the darkest time (so far) of my life. I know that I have gone past those worst moments even though I wouldn’t say that I am recovered from depression. But whenever I am back here, sometimes it would almost feel like those scars were turning back as fresh wounds again because I am pressing on them too hard as my memories of those days become so vivid.

But this is also when I would remind myself to be more grounded in the present instead of the past. And as I go through this reflection from looking back to focusing on now and realise how far I have come from those darkest days, it always makes me feel so grateful that God led me through those days to where I am now.

One of these moments that really struck me earlier today was when I had dinner alone after watching the musical. I remember how back in those days, all I would feel was how depressing and lonely it was to watch a musical alone and then have dinner alone under such dark, cold weather. But today, I genuinely really enjoyed the musical, and when I sat down at the restaurant alone facing the window, I felt so good that I get to do some people watching while enjoying my food (haha). I even took a selfie of myself so that I can share with you :)

I know that my mental state still is not always steady even though I said I feel like I have gone past the worst period of my depression. I would still sometimes feel a heartache all of a sudden, or wake up feeling like I just need to cry. But I think I am starting to be more at peace with these unpredictable ups and downs. There are days that I will just have to accept that I don’t feel okay and have to be “not okay” for awhile. But there are also some days like this evening when I feel better and I can just be thankful that I feel okay even though I know it might not last forever.

🤍 love you and miss you, again from this same biiiiiigg bed in my hotel. Good night, dear Andy 😊

PS: I visited Jellycat today but didn’t get anything. I couldn’t find one that I really like, the closest is this frowning animal that I find funny, so I took a picture with it, hehe.