Day 5: Long post

hello dear, how are you? miss you.

I am writing as I fly back from Fukuoka to Hong Kong. I am taking a flight later than my parents and brother, so I am finally having some alone time.

I couldn’t sleep last night until 4am because whenever I closed my eyes, I could feel my emotions flooding out and my tears just couldn’t stop falling, but I had to hold it together because I worry my brother would wake up and notice. But all he did was snoring super loud next to me, haha.

Sometimes I wonder if I would ever be able to get over these hurtful feelings I carry with my parents/family. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to meet their expectations without over sacrificing my own wellbeing.

This Japan family trip before they go back to the UK was suggested by my dad. But he never specified what he expected from the trip. All he said was some generic things like enjoy some good food, see sakura, and spend some time together as a family. They always expect me to do all the planning and research whenever we go on a trip. I can understand that because they think I have the most travel experience. But there’s actually a lot to consider whenever travelling with them. For example my dad can’t walk too much so we definitely have to rent a car. My mom is a very money conscious person, she has a very high standard of “good deal”. They also don’t like going to crowded places or shopping.

I guess what I mean is, going on a trip with them is not easy at all. I came up with some plan options like a trip advisor (have to be more than one plan because from past experience I know that they will always have opinions on the spot to change the plan when we are there) and shared with them a few weeks before we went, which I am also already very used to. But throughout this 5 days trip, my mom and dad had been taking turn to grumble and (worse) complain about my brother and I in a passive aggressive way.

Aside from being very “money conscious”, my mom has this tendency to be very impatient and nervous about everything. She is also very aggressive and likes to compare herself with me. I understand it is because she wants to prove that she is still smart and not “old” yet. But whenever she can’t catch up with me on small things like finding our route, she subconsciously gets frustrated and thinks that I am being rude to her. Her aggression always makes me feel very uncomfortable.

My dad is the opposite. Perhaps it’s part of the mental journey of aging, but his self esteem is always at either of the extreme. He has also become a really stubborn and self-centred person over the years. Sometimes he is super judgmental and thinks that he is definitely right about everything. If we challenge him, he would think that we are ignorant. Sometimes he gets very sensitive and thinks we don’t respect him because he is old, and he would become really passive aggressive and say things that are really hurtful and harsh.

Our family tension/momentum has been like this for the last few years and I have kinda accepted that this is how they are or at least learnt to adjust my own mindset and set some boundaries, so that I won’t be triggered so easily all the time. But this trip surfaced these hidden tension/ issues, because we are stuck together for 4.5 days with so little personal space.

My parents think that there isn’t enough “quality family time” during this trip, and that my brother and I aren’t attentive enough to them. My dad especially acted passive aggressively since yesterday evening by being so quiet.

As you know, I really value harmony in relationships. I understand their expectations, but I also feel that I have given my best with how my mental and physical state are during this period of time. Throughout this 4 days, I am basically nonstop either finding our way, driving, taking photos (for them), searching for food places last minute based on their requests, or walking extra distance to get the car to pick up my dad so that he can walk less. I also tried to put them first as much as I can. For example, I’ve been coughing and having sore throat and pre period pain. I actually feel quite unwell sometimes but I still went to have barbecue meat and cold food like sushi with them because my dad really wants to have them. But still he had to mock me for being sick, which is one of his ways of being passive aggressive, and to me it’s totally not funny at all.

I know perhaps it’s because I am a very sensitive person. But just as I shared many times here, in order for me to “function” healthily, I really need personal space to ventilate and regulate my emotions. But during this trip, I had so little space to recover and recharge from these big and small triggers. I had to share a room with my brother for the first and last night, which means I don’t have my bedtime quiet time or morning devotional/meditation time, which are usually the essential moments when I could finally let my emotions out and try to feel better.

Today when I was at the Fukuoka airport finally being alone, I could feel that I could cry anytime even I was in a public space. I feel like I have already gone extra miles to keep them “happy” and put my needs as a second priority temporarily for this few days, and I am actually really exhausted physically and mentally. But still it seems like what I have done is not enough for them.

I am sorry that I wrote a super long ranting essay here. I think I really will need some time to rest and recover from this trip. Not just physically, but emotionally and relationship-wise. Right now I just can’t wait to go back home and hide in my bed and cry forever.

Miss you dear Andy. It makes me really miss you because you are probably one of the very few people that I feel comfortable being with even after long hours. And I miss hugging you when I have these really sad and hurtful experiences.

Hugs 🫂

Realized I missed sharing this “cool” photo of the mountain and car with you here, it probably matches the mood of this post.