I am writing as I fly back alone to HK from Thailand.
Edison is staying for a few more days to finish our work. Even though he got sick half way through the trip, he has taken really good care of me in the last 6 days that I can’t expect for more. Turns out, this trip has given me a chance to recalibrate my relationship with him - to accept that we both can be in a comfortable place of treating each other as a good friend. It certainly takes effort to achieve that. For me, it’s probably about forgiving and understanding how to still love and care for someone you used to love but in a different way.
Last night, the Chinese doctor mentioned about his girlfriend for the first time as we continue to text. I pretended to be surprised even I actually guessed so looking at his Instagram, I said I couldn’t tell because he always seems so shy.
After talking about this topic for a while, he finally confessed it’s actually because I am his first female patient who wears tank top to his sessions when there’s a lot of close contact. I was embarrassed and I said I am sorry and it’s really because HK is so hot for me. He said he understands and he is now used to it. It’s just that this is how guys’ mind naturally work.
When he said that, it suddenly reminded me of what happened between Edwin and I. It got me into a melancholy mood and I couldn’t sleep but just kept crying. I shared with him what happened, and he gave me a really long reply this morning.
What he said that really warms my heart is, I deserve a guy who loves me completely, and I can take my time to find one and don’t have to rush for it. He also thanked me for sharing my story with him, and he kept saying after these replies that I need to protect myself.
I guess I should take back what I said about him being a bad guy. At least he decided to be honest with me about my outfits and I can feel the kind side of him from his reply. I am also kind of relieved to know that he has a girlfriend, because I also don’t want to hurt him by texting and showing him interest but ended up not committing because I am actually not fully emotionally available.
As we chat more today, I eventually told him about you too. I said I have been writing to this guy that I love a lot but can’t meet for more than two years now, and recently I am just a bit lost and don’t know what to do. He said I am so romantic. But only I myself know how to decide what to do, and I can take the time to figure it out. And the same goes to you too.
These conversations made me really emotional, dropping a lot of tears secretly on the plane now, but somehow in a good way I guess. I remember saying in one of my posts last week that I felt God wants me to experience healing during this trip. There may still be a long way to go, but I guess I did in some unexpected ways.
Hugs.
Hannah
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