About work

hello dear, how are you? The temperature dropped quite a lot yesterday, I hope you are staying warm. Sorry that I didn’t put anything here yesterday, because I wanted some break time for my mind to rest.

I went in the office yesterday, I haven’t gone back for quite awhile since Christmas. And then I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner. But she fell asleep after her shift and “aeroplaned” me, haha. I wanted some alone time anyway so I wasn’t too upset. I went to have fishball noodles instead on my own and after that, I don’t know why I really wanted to go for a night drive, so on my way home, I took a turn into the road to Shek O/Stanley.

I haven’t had this urge to speed drive at night for a long long time. I am a bit cautious because I am not even sure if that urge comes from the “right” place. I feel like it usually comes from the edgy, reckless side of Hannah, that’s why I think it is a dangerous activity for me. Don’t worry, I was disciplined enough last night to only do half way and then came back out. I also didn’t go too fast (comparatively).

This morning when I woke up, I saw an email from HR about the performance, role, and salary review I requested few days ago. HR came back saying that unfortunately they are doing a salary freeze this year for the whole HK office because business isn’t doing good. But Vincent agreed to give me a 2% increase. Just to give you some context, since I am still a contractor with flexible arrangement, I don’t have all the standard procedures of doing appraisals, salary review etc, and my boss is part of Meyer UK, so he also wouldn’t care to “fight” or ask for me, and I had to initiate this by myself which I finally did few days ago.

I actually wanted to ask not just because I wanted a raise. I wanted to discuss about my career path because recently Vincent gave me an additional role of product managing the Disney partnership, which to me is something beyond project management and very new to me. I have to make a lot of product related decisions, such as what collections to develop, what products to include in the collections, working with markets to get feedback before making global decisions, etc. It is a role that also requires commercial analysis, looking into historical sales data and inventory numbers. And these are all on top of the project management roles I have already been doing for this Disney partnership, which the scope

is already so wide from contract, marketing, product, to a lot of external and internal communications.

The reality is, I know that even the Disney business isn’t doing as good as everyone hoped, and we aren’t even sure if we will be doing another contract with Disney (the current one end in end March). I know Vincent really likes me and even if the company no longer does Disney, he will very likely put me on other projects. But still, obviously I am disappointed by the 2% increase, and I wonder if it means it is time for me to explore new opportunities beyond Meyer.

Personally, I also have been feeling a bit lost and demotivated. I feel unsure about stepping up into product management and being in this role of making commercial decisions. But what concerns me the most is that I can feel I have become less disciplined and motivated to deliver my best. You know how I always overwork in the past, but these days, I always start working at my desk at only 10:30ish, and except having late night meetings occasionally, I would get off work at 6ish 7pm.

I know I can defend for myself that working hours is such a surface way to measure productivity, and especially for me, part of this is because of my unstable mental state. And at the same time, I am indeed having a lot of flexibility in this current role that doesn’t expect me to work a fixed 10-7 hours and allows me to work remotely from anywhere in the world. And whenever I go on business trips to the Europe side, I can visit my home in the UK while the company covers the cost of my long haul travel.

The truth is, I know I am very blessed to say this, but at this moment, financial isn’t the most important aspect for me to address compared to other things such as my mental health. And the current flexible arrangements gives me the space and time to recover and manage my mental health. I also value the relationships I have built here that people would trust and understand when I am not always functional. Starting a new job will definitely be really mentally stressing for me, and there will be risks that I can’t perform as I expected if my mental state declines again.

As I was thinking about all these on my bed just now, I spoke with God honestly in my prayer about my disappointment and struggles, whether or not it is time for me to make a change in my career. And then after my reflections and praying, I came across this passage in the Bible:

I really felt it is God’s response to me about my disappointment in not having a proper raise or promotion, that he hears my dissatisfaction in my career. But all he wants me to persevere at this moment, is to continue to do good, whether it is at work or just life in general, as I trust that he sees all the hard work I have put in.

Then I also suddenly remember how I have felt called to join a church community for awhile but was too scared to do so, and then one day I bumped into that old friend on street who invited me once again to his care group. It was like God pathed an easy way for me to make a supposedly difficult first step. I believe that if changing job is a change that God has in mind for me, he will do the same too, presenting opportunities to me in ways that will make me feel comfortable and confident enough to make these new moves.

Sorry that this is a really really long post, haha. Here is me driving to the office yesterday, I like how the natural sunlight shines on me.

Miss you, dear Andy.