We went to a design show the day before and then Disneyland yesterday, but my hormones aren’t really behaving.
All I could hear in my head was, why am I even doing these, I don’t want to do this, I don’t even want to be alive. It’s like my mind was rejecting all the happy, dreamy vibe surrounding me. I guess most people won’t be able to imagine how distorted it feels like for a person who has depressed and suicidal thoughts to be visiting such a happy, magical place.
I bursted out crying in the morning right after I woke up in the “Marvel” hotel (the room is so lame though with so little Marvel elements). I almost felt like I wouldn’t make it to go into the park with others. I still went out in the end but I tried to give myself a bit more space when we did the store visits in the park instead of forcing myself to socialise too much, and I gradually recovered slightly.
I guess another reason I felt so against it yesterday was also that I always see going to Disneyland as something “romantic”. I don’t remember much of the two visits I had to this Disneyland with Sree. But the last time I went to Disney was with Neil to celebrate my birthday. But it wasn’t even planned by him, I was the one who initiated it and he “unwillingly” went with me. At one point when I was watching the fireworks, I thought of what a “dream comes true” it would be if I was watching it with you.
Putting aside all the stuff that was going on inside my head, the experience was not bad overall. I do think it’s a rare opportunity that Vincent allowed this trip to happen, and I am glad for the IF team to have this exposure. My “highlight” is probably that I saw Eeyore at the restaurant. He’s one of my favourite Disney characters, I think he’s adorable when he’s sad, it makes me want to give him a lot of hugs.
Miss you a lot.
PS. My favourite moment of the trip so far - I sneaked out to a coffee shop in the morning the day before yesterday. Enjoyed some alone time and was so glad that God came through and comforted me through music when I felt overwhelmed by that gut wrenching “homesick” feeling.
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