Episode

hello my dear, how are you?

Sorry for the silence in the last few days. I experienced a depression episode this week that I didn’t expect. Since the start of the week, I have been crying a bit more than usual and at random times during the day.

On Tuesday night, I started to have really bad headaches, dizziness and some shivering. I thought I was developing a cold, but for two days I still didn’t develop other symptoms or felt better. At the same time, I felt like my emotional state was getting more and more out of control. There isn’t any specific reason, but I just kept having these random mental breakdowns and crying. My headache was just really bad that I had to stay in bed the whole day and could barely work.

I messaged my chinese doctor about it yesterday. After hearing my situation, he said if I didn’t do anything in particular, it’s very likely that my physical illness is caused by my emotions, they triggered my body to react. I was so desperate to feel better at that point, so I asked if there’s anything he can do to relief my sickness, and he said he could help me with acupuncture.

So I went to visit him again this morning outside of my usual Monday appointment, I guess I looked quite bad with swollen eyes when he saw me, and I was at really bad mental state that I behaved like I was “stoned”. This time he asked me a lot more questions about my mental situation.

This is the first time ever I talked about it with someone in person. I told him that it started around 2 years when I was in the UK. Most of the time my breakdowns are unpredictable, there isn’t really any specific trigger. I told him I usually feel better after crying it out. But I still couldn’t describe the emotions that I am feeling in front of him. All I could feel was that they come in waves and when they are here, I am swamped.

After the acupuncture, I did feel that my breath is smoother and slightly calmer. I dropped him a long message on my way home. I told him that I am really grateful to have met him because I have never talked about my problems with anyone in person, even my friends and family, but he makes me feel safe enough to do that for the first time today. I told him that I was in way worse condition before but over the 2 years, I have worked really really hard to finally be able to barely manage my everyday life. So whenever I have these episodes, I am just really terrified that it would get worse.

I am feeling a lot calmer now, at least I am able to write these all out without tearing up too much. He asked me to do something that will make me happy tonight. So I decided to sing and play guitar. It’s a song that I learned today. I don’t sound good because I cried too much lately I guess. But I really like the lyrics as it speaks my heart.

Love you, and miss you. I hope you are doing okay. Hugs ❤️‍🩹

You are the medicine

The only cure for everything I feel within

Redeeming what was lost and all that could have been

Oh, this is a healing kind of love

You are the truest friend

Staying through the night when I was at my end

Comforting my heart till it was light again

Oh, this is a faithful kind of love

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Immanuel, God with us, You're here with me

Wonderful Counselor

The government is resting on Your shoulders