Episode

hello dear, miss you.

Writing here again in less than 24 hours because I’ve been experiencing a really hard mental breakdown episode again.

After crying so hard while I journaled here last night, I couldn’t fall asleep at all even though I stopped crying and thought I had calmed down eventually. I ended up crying on and off throughout the night till 5am. It was such a long, dark night.

I was supposed to get up at 7:30am to head to our UK office at Liverpool today to visit my boss with Patrick (he is now in the UK for 3 weeks), but I really feel like I wouldn’t be mentally recovered by the morning, so I messaged my boss and Patrick at 3am that I wasn’t feeling well and probably had to reschedule the visit. I also dropped my parents a message saying I feel like under the weather because they were supposed to drive me there.

I ended up waking up at 9ish am again and the first I did was crying again. And I have basically been in this loop of crying -> fall asleep for a short while or get up and eat something -> crying till now (I just woke up from a nap and I’m crying again :( )

This is not the first time I experience something like this especially after my period. I know I am going through a mental breakdown episode and this is a signal from my body that I need to rest mentally, and I will recover eventually. I also have some backup chinese medicine that my doctor gave me that I just had this morning. But it’s still really exhausting going through this, especially feeling so desperate not knowing how to make myself feel better.

I also feel really bad for not being to go to our UK office as planned and having to take a break from work even though I know in my head that just like having a physical illness, I have all the reasons to call sick for being mental unwell. I also feel a bit nervous because I worry my parents would notice something’s wrong with me.

But in midst of this, while I feel so hard to share what I am going through with anyone, I am trying hard to hold on to God’s presence and comfort. This morning, I opened up the daily devotional, and it literally started with the story of Hannah in the Bible. The passage just spoke so much to some of the deepest wounds I am still healing from.

I know it might take some time, but I will eventually feel better, just like how I survived through all the past episodes I’ve experienced. I also know that God is with me in that really dark seemingly lonely place, so is my pinky dog.

Sorry if this post feels a bit heavy and that I am being vulnerable. I really miss you a lot dear andy.