First day back and the triggered me

hello my dear, how are you? I miss you extra today.

My jetlag is hitting me quite badly, I woke up at 3ish am last night. Then I could only sleep back again at 7am for an hour, I woke up at 8ish am and after a while I already had to go to my chinese doctor appointment.

My chinese doctor said my body is a bit weak and tired because I am still recovering from the cold and the jetlag. But he said my mood seems to be quite good / improved after checking my pulse.

After my appointment, we were messaging casually and I said I could feel that my mood is not bad too, and I said maybe because things in HK feel refreshing to me for now as I just came back, and I am also happy to see him just now. Then he said it’s good that my mood got better (compared to the last few days when I felt I couldn’t breathe), and then suddenly added that he hopes I will recover soon, then I can find someone who can be together with me.

I immediately felt a bit triggered by that last line that he said. I don’t understand why he suddenly said that and I felt like it’s somehow because I said earlier that I am happy to see him. But there was no hidden meaning behind that at all, I am just genuinely happy to see him again after almost 3 weeks. I know I got him some coffee beans from different places because I know he likes coffee, but I also bought that for Edison and the team, and another friend, and just as how I would also feel “happy” to see them too when I see them because it’s been awhile.

So I replied “…” and said I don’t understand what he means. Then he replied that he hopes to see me being taken care by someone who loves me or is loved by me someday, so that I don’t have to always exhaust myself to take care of others.

I don’t know why it got me even more emotionally triggered/offended when I saw that. At that moment, I really wanted to react and tell him that I have someone whom I really love already and he should know about that. I more than anyone else know how much I long for deep connections and to be taken care of, but I also know better than anyone how hard it is for myself to be able to trust and feel comfortable to open up with someone who also has the desire to do the same.

So I guess I got frustrated or triggered because he is somehow right. Even though I still haven’t had or can’t have that “someone” in my life and sometimes my disappointment and hopelessness to the world brings heartbreaks to me, I still resolve to forgive and love everyone around me and the world again and again as much as I can. Yes it exhausts me sometimes and it hurts deeply whenever I realise most of the time I won’t receive the same in return. But I am a very stubborn person who believes in love.

And I do I ask myself every now and then. I like my chinese doctor a lot, I also like Edison a lot. But at the end of the day, I know very clearly that my caring or “affection” for them is just a mere projection of my immense love for you, because there’s just so little that I can give to you on a website. I enjoy treating them well and seeing them happy makes me happy, but I never expect them to like me in any way more than a good friend.

I am sorry that I poured out a lot of thoughts all of a sudden here tonight. As I always do, I just want to be raw and genuine with you, even on days like today when I don’t even know why I feel frustrated and triggered. I replied a “ok” to his message, then later on he changed the topic to something casual. I genuinely value my relationship with him so I decided that instead of reacting or pretending everything is good, I would give myself some time to process and then reply him tomorrow with a more heartfelt and thought out response to why I suddenly acted weird.

Miss you Andy. Last night when I was awake during the night, I thought about how I used to hug you when we were waiting for our coffee. I miss you.

Me today to the clinic, so warm in HK that I can wear shorts again.