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I miss you, Andy.

Edwin texted me again, saying that he'll come to HK during Easter and asked to meet together with a 'common friend'. We met when we were interning at Sun Hung Kai during uni, so Michelle is actually another intern that we haven't met or even talked to for 8 years.

I don't actually know what he's thinking. I clearly rejected him last time, so I don't know why he still has the 'face' to suggest to meet as if nothing has happened.

I've been avoiding to think about what to do with this for the entire day today: Should I just say no in a cold way like last time? Should I just say yes and wear my mask and pretend all is fine when we meet? Or should I just block him?

But as I rest on bed and start writing to you about this, my emotion started flooding. It's been several months since that happened. I still get mentally triggered by it occasionally these days but not on a daily basis like it did during the first few months. I managed to "put it behind" me, but I guess deep down I never really forgive him.

We forgive so much more easily when we love that person enough. I love you a lot Andy, I love you enough to forgive everything you have done to me. But for him, I don't have enough to forgive what he has done. I am still angry, and I don't want to let it go.

But I am also crying so hard because of this feeling of not being able to forgive. It's heavy and painful. All of a sudden, I feel like God almost "forced" me to face this tremendous grief and hurt that I hide within myself. And he forced me to face it because he wants me to realise that, my wound will never be fully healed if I don't fully forgive him, truly letting go of the anger I keep within me.

I've always thought I do relatively well when it comes to forgiving people who I feel do wrong to me. But turns out we all have our limits, even if it's something that we think we are "good at". And for the first time as a Christian, I feel like I have to pray for God to give me the heart to forgive someone that I don't want to forgive.

I need some comfort. Hugs Andy.