How are you Andy?
Wanted to share with you something in my heart tonight that I didn't talk about before.
Around half year ago one time when I was with my brother, he (by accident) told me that my therapist friend actually reached out to him before my first trip back to HK in April last year. He said she told him that I was really sad and she hoped that my brother could show me more care and encourage me to come back to HK.
When I first knew that from my brother, I actually panicked and was in shock because I've always been so scared that my family would discover my mental struggles, I don't want them to know what I went through and have been going through. Luckily from how my brother brought it up, it didn't seem like he knew a lot, because I am sure if my therapist friend told him all the details I shared, those thoughts and attempts, I am sure my brother wouldn't be that laidback.
But this has always been something that has stuck in my heart that my therapist friend went to tell my brother about my situation when she knew I would mind. I couldn't process how I feel about it. I only felt I didn't want to tell her what I heard from my brother.
Until few days ago it was her birthday, and I wanted to write her something because she is an important friend to me. Then I figured that even though that incident bothered me, I could understand that she did that out of good intention. So I decided to mention it to her in my writing, and told her despite that she is still one of the few most precious people who helped me get through that period of time.
And today, I received a letter from her (literally a letter in my mailbox). She wrote me back that she owed me an apology on this. She said she knew that I would mind and if I found out I might not trust her anymore. But at that time, she was extremely worried that I would choose to leave the world, and she felt she alone isn't enough to make me feel loved and change my mind to stay. She'd rather risk our friendship (& my trust in her) to try any possible way to help me realize there're still people who care about me and need me to stay in this world.
I cry so hard after reading the letter. I remember those terrible days, I still think that I'll never be fully recovered and I don't even know if there'll ever be a day that I can properly share with anyone about what I have gone through. But whenever I look back, I am just thankful that God slowly brought me out of that pit, and at least I am no longer in the same level of depth of those thoughts these days.
These are photos tonight that I took before I read the letter. I still remember I didn't even have the "strength" to take any photos for you during that time even I wanted to. I don't take it for granted that I am able to tell you that I love you and I miss you here every night.
Love you, Andy.
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