Good girl me

hello my dear, how was your day? 😊

Today I had a buffet lunch with my mom’s relatives. I actually don’t really like going to buffet because I always can only eat very little. It’s not worth the price for me, especially today, since my period is here soon and I have to avoid cold and raw food, and my stomach is a bit weak.

My mom’s relatives are very traditional, they would “lecture” me if I wore any shorts, skirts, low cut, crop top, sleeveless…so I had to match a “good girl” outfit every time I meet them.

And here is my good girl outfit for today, haha

I had to go for vocal class afterwards. I am not sure if it’s because I ate a lot, I felt so hot after walking to the mtr station. So I took off my cardigan and only had my tank top on. I don’t know why a lot of people looked at me, maybe because it’s weird to wear so little under this weather.

I was feeling quite okay throughout the day until dinner time. During dinner, my dad suddenly brought up the topic of my friend passing. He and my mom had a gathering earlier today with their church friends (my friend’s mother in-law is in that same friend group, even though she didn’t attend the gathering today). He casually shared about what he heard from that gathering, about how the accident happened etc. He then even commented about the funeral location and the songs they chose to sing.

I felt so triggered all of sudden because I didn’t expect him to bring this topic up, and he was talking about all these in such a casual small talk manner, like a gossip. I could feel my heartbeat rising as he talked, I was on the edge of crying and calling him out. But I tried my best to remain calm and not react.

I know that I probably have the “right” to express myself at that moment and tell them I still don’t feel comfortable talking about this topic yet. But I don’t think I would be able to say that calmly and I don’t want to cause a “drama”. Also, I already know how my dad would react immediately and defend himself if I tried to call him out, and I don’t want to cause a conflict. So I stayed quiet throughout the rest of the dinner, and then I immediately went to shower, and I cried during my shower.

I know this is part of my PMS too, being a bit sensitive and predictable. But I think it is good that at least I could cry it out at my shower, because I know that my emotions on this matter are not fully digested yet. After my shower, I decided to spend the time before I go to bed to journal on my notebook. I wrote almost 4 pages, about a lot of different topics. I feel a lot better now after doing that :)

I wonder if you have moments like these too. If you do, remember I am always here to hug that vulnerable you ❤️‍🩹 You can also always come here anytime to see all the different kinds of Hannah 😊

Miss you dear, last few photos before I sleep, good night 🤍

I got big eyes today: