hannah

miss you, my dear. how are you? I had a emo day :(

I was still feeling alright this morning going to church and even had lunch with the girls from my care group. After that I went to have my vocal class, and my teacher was trying to guide me to a higher head tone placement that really require me to be relaxed. I know what he wanted from me but I just couldn’t get to that really relaxed state to control my muscles and airflow. And I don’t know why, I suddenly really felt like crying and I couldn’t control myself and started tearing up a bit. I feel so embarrassed because I must have seemed fine the whole time and the next second I suddenly started to tear up.

Thankfully I think my teacher is really good and he also has counselling background, so he didn’t make it awkward for me at all, and he just asked me lightly what triggered me etc. And I did ended up sharing with him a bit that I do often feel like crying suddenly without any specific reason, and these days I just let myself cry it out most of the time because I think it makes me feel more relaxed afterwards. Then he said to me that aside from letting myself cry, I can try to identify what emotions I am feeling and “converse” with them. And he also encouraged me to share it with someone instead of keeping it all within myself.

I actually only dropped two tears in front of him, and then I immediately “closed the tape”. But that was already enough for me to feel sooo embarrassed. As you know, it makes me so uncomfortable to let people see the vulnerable side of me. And on my way home, I was still feeling the overwhelming emotions and I just continued to cry secretly on my bus. And when I got home, I just hide under my blanket and let all my tears out till now.

I guess part of my trigger was indeed that when I was having my lesson, I kept failing at what my teacher wanted me to do, and I know that has a lot to do with my mental state. But my mental state is always so unstable and uncontrollable, so I was getting a bit frustrated at myself.

This has been one of my frustrations recently. I practice singing quite a lot at my own time these days actually, because I really enjoy being able to ventilate and regulate my emotions through singing. But I also feel like I am not good at singing at all, and I feel like it’s been such a long journey for me to see any improvement. It makes me really sad to feel that way because I really want to get better at it, as a way to express myself. But singing is really such a difficult skill to master because you yourself is the instrument and there is nothing else that you can leverage, unlike playing keyboards or guitar.

But I also know that all these thoughts come from the really perfectionist and self critical side of me. And just now as I was crying hard under my blanket, I felt like I really need to converse with myself, so here are some words I want to say to myself:

my dearest hannnnah. thank you for always striving to be better at all that you do. that is the very thing that makes me realise that there is still hope within you. and I just want you to know that I am so proud of all the progress you’ve made, in all the different areas of our life. you really have tried really hard, as hard as you could. I just want you to remember that you are loved, very very loved, and appreciated, not because of all the hard work you choose to put in, but just because you are who you are. you are hannah, nothing more and nothing less. and I love you just like that.

🤍

This is the sad hannah: