Hannah cried in the office again :(

hello dear, how are you? I miss you a lot even though I didn’t write here yesterday and there’s actually a reason :(

I was still recovering from being so sensitive and emotional at my vocal class on Sunday, then something that really overwhelmed me happened yesterday when I went in the office.

I drove to the office as usual and parked at my usual spot on the ground floor, which is the spot that is closest to the gate. Because I am so used to parking there and I was kinda in a rush, I didn’t look at my spot clearly before I parked into it, and I didn’t notice at the corner where my spot is at, there was actually a suk suk on a ladder fixing something. I actually did see the ladder from my rear mirror, but I assumed that it’s just one of the many things they always have leaning on the gate, so I didn’t pay much extra attention. And because the parking area is quite tight and closed, I also couldn’t see there’s our suk suk at the corner of our ceiling. There’s also no security guard these days at that entrance.

So I just parked as usual and didn’t know that I was 0.1cm away from hitting one side of the ladder, where suk suk was on top of, until I finished parking and got out of the car. It seriously scared the hell out of me when I realized how close I was to hit the ladder, and that might cause him falling off from it.

On retrospect, I don’t think it’s 100% my responsibility, because he really should have put some barrier around the ladder if he’s conducting some work up there, especially knowing that it’s stepped into a parking spot and he’s in a blind spot. But at that moment, I was just in shock how I almost injured someone seriously.

The incident just triggered my anxiety all over the place within me. I was already not in a very good mental state with all the crying and difficulty in breathing etc in the last few days, and also feeling quite a lot of self doubt because of what I shared in my last post. And this idea that I would have injured someone seriously because I wasn’t careful enough and that I was just “lucky” that everyone is safe really put me in this really down and frustrated mood when I got into the office.

I had a meeting right after I got in the office which I managed to get through. But after that once my mind wasn’t distracted, I just couldn’t hold it anymore and I just sneaked into the toilet when everyone else headed out for lunch together. I started with feeling all the breathlessness to it turning into shivering, and then I just broke down in silence and cried in the toilet.

I actually told Edison what happned immediately when I got in the office. And he tried to calm me by telling me no one got hurt so I’m good, but I was still so in shock. And I guess all I needed was just a hug to reassure me that I am fine. But it would have been inappropriate for me to ask for one from him in the open office space.

But few minutes after I disappeared to cry in the toilet, he texted me and asked where I am. I told him I was in the toilet, and he told me where they went for lunch. I really didn’t feel like I could stop crying and pretend everything is okay and have lunch with everyone else, so I told him I’m actually crying in the toilet and I’ll just figure out lunch myself. Then he insisted me to join them and he said “come cry here”.

I asked him if I could sit next to him or Howe if I come, and he said yes. So after wrestling for a few minutes, I decided to stop crying and go out and join them. I was still having some crying breath as I walked out. But I calmed down gradually as I met them at the restaurant. Luckily he got me a seat at the end of the table sitting next to him.

I actually continued to feel miserable for the rest of the day that I dropped some more tears secretly at my seat. Edison also was in back to back meetings the whole afternoon so he wasn’t around. But I decided to go get some siumai in the late afternoon, it did cheer me up a little bit, and I survived the day eventually.

After I got home and had dinner and showered, I immediately got on bed to rest immediately. I think because I cried too much in the last few days, I was really tired with a very bad headache. But when I reflected back on the day, I was really grateful for Edison to care for me (even though not in an intimate way), so I dropped him a message before I slept:

eeee I wanna thank you for being nice to me earlier today and encouraging me to have lunch together. I would have stayed miserable in the toilet for longer than I should, which is not very hygienic 🫣 and would probably make me feel even lonelier. so thank you for being kind to hannah bb today 🤍 I promise maybe someday I’ll be less like a baby 👌🏻

So I didn’t write here yesterday because I really needed to rest and I definitely would cry again if I journal this immediately last night. But you should know that I always miss you extra on an overwhelming day like this. I know you would have given me a hug immediately after I told you what happened.

🫂🫂🫂

Me yesterday, can you tell that I cried?