Hello from Ho Chi Minh City

hello from ho Chi Minh City, miss you a lot.

It has been a really long day - we had to gather at church at 9:20am for a commissioning during the early church service. And after a lot of travelling, we are finally here in Vietnam.

I feel like it’s even more tiring to travel as a big group, everything just felt slower and more exhausting. But that’s not my biggest challenge so far. My biggest challenge was I only knew we are arranged to share room throughout the trip when we arrived at the hotel. I think it actually makes sense because mission trip travel is supposed to be on budget. But I guess I wasn’t expecting that and I was definitely not mentally prepared for it.

As you know my routine and mental situation, I really really need personal space where I feel safe to regulate my emotions in the morning and at night. I really can’t imagine not having that for 6 nights straight, and I have been just really stressing out since we arrived.

After dinner just now, I went to ask our trip leader casually if it’s possible for me to get my own room for the next few locations. I even offered to pay for it myself. But she said this is actually intentional and how they usually do mission trips, so that you can bond with others.

My anxiety was actually building up secretly. I immediately asked God in my heart what to do. Is this one of his lessons for me, to have to force myself to be adaptive even if I might be really mentally stressed out?

But during the car ride back to the hotel, I felt like that wasn’t really what God was saying to me. I felt in my heart that he was saying to me: “I am open for you to wrestle with me.” So after I got to my room, I wrote a slightly long message to my trip leader, and I decided to be honest about my concerns and vulnerable about my mental problems. I also said I will respect her decision and obey because this is a mission trip. But I hope she would understand my intention, that is also for the good of the team and the trip if I can function normally with enough recharge.

She replied me saying that she understands and will try to arrange for me. I really appreciate her help because I know I am “breaking the rules” and I should have thought about it before the trip and let her know.

But I also feel that this perhaps is one of the things God wants me to go through during the trip: the lesson of wrestling and obedience. I feel like I did the “right” thing to not just accept the uncomfortable situation I am being put in, but to be honest with God and people I trust about my struggle, and ask in humility for help and support.

Miss you a lot dear Andy. For tonight at Ho Chi Minh City (we are only here one night), I am staying with two other girls. They are actually really nice, it’s just me who really needs to take a breathe from the environment and everything.

I hope I get my own room tomorrow. Good night dear Andy.

I look really really bloated this morning.