It’s okay

hello, how are you, dear?

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday and I also don’t have any photos to share here today. I haven’t been feeling very well for the last few days. I thought I was doing okay on Friday and Saturday even though my sleep wasn’t very well. But on Saturday night, I woke up at 5am and suddenly started crying without any reason. Even though I ended up going back to sleep for a while before getting up again to go to church, my mental state was already disrupted for the rest of the day. I feel like no matter how many times this has happened, it would still feel equally awful and frustrating, to wake up in the middle of the night and crying not knowing why.

I had my vocal class after church. The class was good and my teacher actually made me laugh a lot. But as I left and head home, I felt like crying again and it took all my strength to drag my foot to walk each step forward on the street to get to my bus stop. Luckily the bus wasn’t crowded and I kept tearing quietly on the bus on my way home. And when I got home, I lied down immediately and cried for few more hours again until I felt the tension was slightly relieved.

I guess what frustrates me the most is not knowing why I was crying. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason or emotion, I just felt that I really needed to cry suddenly and my body isn’t going to relax until I cry them out. Sometimes, I just can’t help but ask myself, what have I not done right, still? I have tried to regulate my thoughts as much as I can, I rest, I eat, I have my chinese medicine, I exercise (as much as I can).

In those moment, I feel like there was nothing I could do. All I could do was letting all my tears flow and comfort myself that it’s okay that I still haven’t had it all figured out. It’s okay to realise that I am still not okay even though I have tried my best to get better.

So I have just been spending the last few days “resting”. Resting in my world means letting myself crawl in bed and cry for as much as I need until I feel calm enough to get up and get some work or chores done, and it just gets repeated until I gradually gain back more control over my emotional state.

I hope I feel better soon. Hugs.

Miss you, good night.