June Hiking

hello dear, how are you today? I miss you.

Today is Saturday, I decided to fulfil my monthly hiking goal today for June, because this is the least busy weekend for this month (I will be in Vietnam the week after).

It’s actually quite hot today and in fact I probably can’t go hiking anymore for this next few months because it’s really too hot for me (haha). To make sure I wouldn’t het a heatstroke, I took enough breaks throughout the whole hike and I also didn’t stay too long at the peak this time.

Despite the heat, I am really thankful for the good weather. I really enjoy the feeling of being in the nature whenever I go hiking. And today, as I admire how beautiful God’s creation is along the trail, I felt reminded of God’s good nature, and that he is a God who doesn’t miss any details in this world and our lives.

I actually asked Edison few days ago if he wanted to come pick me up at big wave bay after my hike today, but he said he’s good. I told my chinese doctor about this and I said this is the proof that he isn’t interested in me. But then my chinese doctor thinks it’s because the way I asked him sounds like I am treating him as a driver, and he even said if that was him, he would say no too.

I felt quite guilty after hearing my chinese doctor’s comment, even though I felt he didn’t have the full context that Edison likes driving and also used to drive to big wave bay very often, that’s why I asked him that way. But what truly made me feel guilty was realising my intention deep down of asking him out was actually to “test” him - to see if he’s interested in exploring anything further with me.

The cruel truth is, I myself don’t even know if that is something that I want at all. In fact when he rejected me, I didn’t even feel disappointed or sad, but relieved. I feel really bad because I feel like my invitation to him came from the unhealthy aggressive part of me who wants to proof myself that I could win over his heart, rather a heart that genuinely wants to explore our relationship.

I’ve also been seeking God for his guidance on this matter. After asking many questions in prayers and opening my heart for God to speak to me through my devotional and reflection time, I somehow know in my heart that it isn’t God’s will for me to pursue a romantic relationship with Edison at this time. I feel that he is a special person that God purposely put in my life. From me having a crush on him to learning how to forgive him for hurting me, to him continuing to be a friend during my lowest days, to having many opportunities to work and go on trips with him, I know that God must have His reason to keep him around me all these years. But I also know that he is no longer the one I am looking for as a romantic partner, someone whom I can naturally connect with emotionally.

I feel that it will take me some time to figure out how to find the right place for our relationship again. Somewhere where both of us feel comfortable and healthy. But I believe God will guide me through this process too.

Miss you a lot Andy. I took a lot of photos today during my hike because I couldn’t see my screen properly. I figured I’d just put them all here instead of picking a few. Good night dear 🤍

(this is my favourite)