Loh toh Hannah

how are you, my dear? I miss you. I think I feel slightly better today. I still feel a lot and cry quite a lot, but the emotions feel less “negative” I guess.

Earlier this evening, I went to the church rehearsal of my therapist friend’s wedding where I’ll be the maid of honour :) It’s only a rehearsal but I am already feeling a lot. This probably sounds very “loh toh”, but I think it’s because of love that makes me really want to cry, hahaha. And I am genuinely happy for my friend.

To be really honest, I know that I could have felt very jealous being there, because I still haven’t had the chance to fully experience this same kind of romantic love. And what’s crazier is that when I was on my way to the rehearsal, I came across this Christian song that Spotify suggested to me, the lyrics and melody spoke exactly what I imagined I would want to hear and share if I ever had my own wedding. But when I heard the song, instead of feeling very triggered or cynical, I felt really comforted. It is as if God is reminding me, I am not forgotten by him.

I shared with you before here that I have this habit of doing some devotional readings everyday. When I did that after writing the post here last night, I came across these words that I felt were a really timely reminder that God has for me as I ponder over my February trip:

Worrying about what's to come, if it does come and when or how it will actually come, steals from the joy and blessings each day brings. (The Bible) reminds us that despite what we may be going through, God's mercies are new every day. But if we are not fully present with where God has placed us, we won't be able to bask in these mercies. When we are not present, we deprive ourselves from experiencing God's full measure of goodness in our lives, in a particular moment or day.

I know I am someone who thinks a lot about the future and sometimes even the past, that makes me tend towards forgetting about the present that I am living in now. But I know that whenever I choose to look around at where I am now, I am always grateful for all the things God has provided and how far he’s brought me through, even I may not have all the things I desire and long for at this moment. And holding on to faith sometimes just means trusting that he will continue his work in my life and guide me along the way.

PS: This morning I woke up seeing this photo from my mom, it’s the first snow of the year, and our house too! I think it looks pretty. It reminds me of the first time I saw snow, when I was in Kingston two years ago. I remember how excited I felt about it, and how it made me miss you even more. Miss you Andy. Love you.