Long sharing

hello dear, how are you?

I skipped writing here yesterday again because I had a very emotional day. I think it is partly because of my PMS.

It started with the night before. I woke up in the middle of the night suddenly feeling like my heartbeat is super fast and I can’t breathe properly. Tones of random images and thoughts just flashed through my brain, and the scary part is that I can’t control it at all. Some parts of my body started to feel numb or “stimulated” and emotionally I was overwhelmed by a panic feeling.

I don’t know how I could calm myself, so I began to cough even though I actually didn’t have to cough. I think it did help break the suffocating cycle, and I gradually felt better afterwards.

When I woke up the next morning, I could still feel the residual panic feeling. I think it was actually a panic attack that I had during my sleep. As I tried to calm myself, I started tearing up a lot. I guess I just felt really frustrated. I haven’t been sleeping well for nights because of my coughing. Last night was the first time I felt like I could go to sleep easily and I definitely didn’t expect a panic attack. The most frustrating part is that I don’t know what is wrong with me, why did I even have a panic attack.

Then I told my chinese doctor about what happened over messages. He said it might be because I accumulated too much stress / pressure within myself that I didn’t notice. He said I should feel better if I go outdoor and enjoy the sunshine a bit. And I told him I actually haven’t left my home since Monday when I went to the clinic. Then he asked me why and said it is really important to go out every day even if it’s just for a short while, so that my body won’t feel “trapped” in a space as that also creates pressure to yourself without knowing.

Then I got triggered once again. I haven’t gone out because I am still sick and have been coughing. It’s true that it is actually also because I have been feeling a bit withdrawn and don’t feel like going out. But at that moment, I wasn’t looking for him to “lecture” me when I shared with him what happened. I was still recovering from the panic and I just wanted to be understood.

But perhaps I shouldn’t blame him because he was just trying to help me by advising me what to do as my doctor at that time, and I was just being sensitive.

But since then, I feel like I fell into that swirl of emotions again. That dark place where I feel no one understands me. The worse is I don’t even want to blame anyone because I know I am a very sensitive person and I just feel a lot even for the smallest thing.

So I just hid on my bed and cried for so long. Luckily no one was at home yesterday. I feel like I could cry for the whole day but I had a few meetings in the late afternoon. I guess it’s a good thing because it forces me to be out of my own swirl of emotions for a while, even though those calls weren’t very pleasant either and I felt mildly triggered too. But I managed to handle it professionally.

I felt gradually better towards the evening. I watched the movie “Wicked” alone in my bedroom (I made the plan to do so long ago because I really wanted to watch it after watching the musical in London). I enjoyed it and I think it was good that it helped me relax and distract myself.

I hope it is just the pre-period hormones that is making me so miserably emotional this few days. What I have been telling myself is that even though these emotions feel so real and they are indeed what I am feeling now, they won’t last forever. I can try to understand why I am feeling them, but don’t let them swallow me.

Miss you a lot in the middle of this, Andy dear. Want a hug from you.

PS. I did listen to my doctor yesterday and I went out to buy my lunch.