Hello my dear Andy :) how’s your weekend? There were some super loud thunderstorms early this morning, did that wake you up?
I have been spending this weekend to rest at home mostly, with my brother and his gf. The only thing on my schedule (not counting church) was to visit the chinese doctor, but that got cancelled because he got sick.
There’s something that I’ve been pondering for awhile recently, and I finally have the mental clarity to share with you today.
I have been reflecting deeper on the aspect of romantic relationships, partly because of what I shared few weeks ago about how I felt attracted by my chinese doctor. Another reason is actually because I have been working very closely with Edison on two projects, and these frequent work-related interactions triggered flashbacks of what happened between me and him in the past.
So far, I feel I have been managing it fairly well between seeing him as someone whom I had romantic interest in before and being professional to work together on our projects. In fact, I am surprised by myself that I am able to get along with him really well at work now because working with him years ago was a struggle to me and what put me off of him. I even resigned the day after knowing that he was dating because I couldn’t imagine myself continuing to work with him after all that he’d caused me.
But just as I feel like I am “happy” with where Edison and I landed, there’s now a chance that we two have to make a trip to the Thailand factory next week for our project. The trip is still to be confirmed and realistically, knowing Edison and I, I don’t think anything off the rails will happen between us. But the idea of having to be on a trip alone with him is already enough to trigger me and lead me into the same confused state as I had with Edwin or the chinese doctor.
I asked myself tones of questions in the last few days: Do I actually like these guys? If I put all my effort into one of them, will it actually work out? Should I just try it out anyway? Is that why God allowed these people and situations to happen? Or are they God’s tests? But what about Andy? If I seem to have “feelings” for these guys, does that mean I don’t actually love Andy that much? Why the hell am I having “feelings” for three men at the same time? Are those really affections, or are some of them temptations?
As frustrated as I am with myself as usual whenever I enter this confused state, this time, I realised that the bigger question I have for myself and God is, what is actually happening within me and how should I navigate through all these.
I am still on the journey to figure this out and perhaps I will never reach a perfect answer to all my questions. But after putting in a lot of deep thoughts and conversing with God and myself, I think I found some clarity to some of my questions.
I said it several times here that I know I am the kind who can “like” or be attracted by people easily, I tend to judge myself heavily on that without understanding I am having these “affections” because I am a feeling oriented person in nature. And perhaps I just need to be more aware and understand that as someone who longs for intimate relationship but with 6 years of singleness (not counting Neil), I have all the reasons to feel physically, emotionally, sexually desired to be in love.
But throughout the years, part of my growth is also understanding how a healthy romantic relationship should be like and what kind of partner can make it work for me. I have experienced broken relationships where I chose to compromise who I am and the values I uphold in order to gain approvals and love of the other person, only to realise that I’d lost myself along the way and all I have left with were wounds and doubts about myself.
More than a year ago I once shared with that friend who went to church together with me in London for some advice, she didn’t tell me exactly what she thinks I should do, but she reminded me this verse in the Bible: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
I know you asked me about this before. It is never a specific person or relationship. The only test (or lesson, if you will) that God has ever given me is to figure out who I truly am and how I can stand firm on my beliefs and values against my desperation to be accepted and loved.
When I realise I am going through all these confusion because I am practicing my lesson and I am sense-checking before I go down any wrong path, I feel less troubled and my heart now has a clearer answer.
I always say that you are “different”. Perhaps what I really meant was, since the moment we drew close to each other, I have never felt this safe to show someone who I truly am. I am a struggling ball of emotions (as you once described me as :)) who feels contradictory feelings and is constantly drained by my own thoughts, a Christian girl who has her own unique journey to understand what faith is and strives to uphold ridiculously high moral values but also stumbles tragically by her dark and weak side at times in life, but then just doesn’t want to stop trying to make things right again and again.
Loving you all the way through is not easy, my dear. But to me, what I found in our relationship is special, and the most precious of all - the courage to stay true to myself and not have to pretend that I’m something else. And because of how precious this means to me, I must learn to cherish it.
Before I get cheesier and write another 1000 words about how precious you are to me :), I am just going to leave it here for now because I don’t want you to feel that I am luring or anything. I just wanted to share these innermost vulnerable thoughts that I have had over this weekend as I always do here.
But lastly I just wanted to say, I know that a big part of that courage I found comes from your gentle acceptance and patience that I have never received from any others on this planet. So know that my love for you also comes from a heartfelt thankful heart, which is what makes me stay strong despite the swirling world around me. Love you a lot, my dearest Andy Dumb Lee. ❤️🩹
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