Long writing long thoughts

hello my dear, I am writing this on this Saturday morning, because I really feel like letting these thoughts out and sharing with you as I woke up.

Since the Macau trip on Wednesday, I have been thinking about my relationship with Edison again. I don’t know if I am being overly sensitive (as I always tend to), but recently, I noticed that there have been some small changes in how he behaves when he is with me. He used to be very composed and quiet, almost “uncomfortable” whenever we were together many years ago when we first met. But now, he is a lot more relaxed with higher energy, sometimes he might even act cheekily.

For example, I don’t know if I shared with you before, there was one time that we had a meeting with my boss for a project, and they jokingly decided to call me “Princess Hannah” because of some unimportant reasons. But since then, Edison would still call me princess Hannah from time to time when he makes fun of me. And also, the IF team has this routine that he would make coffee for everyone after lunch, but whenever I am in, he will gently ask me to pick the beans I want to try that day. He’d also ask me to go in the office to try his new beans, and there was once when he brought me a tiramisu he made. There was also a time when I told him over whatsapp that I will be in the office the next day, then he cheekily said he’ll pass because I’ll be there. And this time when we were on the ferry, while I was trying to avoid sea sick, he kept browsing second hand cars for me on his phone because he knows our family is considering buying a new car.

l know these are all just really small and minor things, and none of them really crossed the line of good friends. But I feel like it is starting to build up a weird vibe between us. I know that for him, he is probably doing all those things just because he enjoys them (like coffee, cars etc). But at the same time, I also kind of doubt that he would do all these things to care for me if he didn’t have any feelings, and the worst part is that I don’t think he himself realised that, because he is such an emotionless person.

But what really troubles me the most is actually on my side. After the Macau trip, I realised that I actually do feel quite comfortable with his company, and this is a feeling that I haven’t had for a long time, because of my mental issues. Most of the time, being with someone (anyone) feels like a drain of energy for me. But when I was with Edison, because he is so smart to take care of everything and his mood is always stable, I feel less needed to worry about him or use my energy to care for him.

It is quite a comfortable position for me to be in our relationship, but it also means that there is almost no emotional connection at all between us. And you know me more than anyone else how much I value emotional connection compared to everything else, which is something that people like Edison, or Neil, are not good at, and that is also often when the relationship starts to fall through whenever I try to dig deeper.

These thoughts make me feel really heavy, because I genuinely think that Edison is such a nice person, and I enjoy seeing him happy in his own way. But I also know that we are at the healthiest state of our relationship just as we are. And at the same time, carrying these inner thoughts while I have to work closely with him at work just reminds me so so much of you.

I don’t even know since when during our time in Meyer, you became the person who knows me the most, whether it is at a work level, my personality, or my emotions. I am such a complicated person who likes to wear all kinds of masks to shield myself everyday, but you still somehow managed to tear them off me and connect with me at a level that I have never experienced before with anyone in this world.

I don’t know why this random memory came to my mind this morning - we were doing the cast iron video shoot and you had to film me cutting some ingredients. I was extra nervous that day because some other teams (MTC) were there to watch, so I missed when we did the first take. I was so frustrated with myself but I tried to hide it because someone else was there. But then, I guess you somehow saw through it, and in front of everyone, you said to me calmly “You are doing great.” As simple as that, you always get me.

Even though there are times when you would come in being less emotional available (I wish I knew at that time the life you live outside of work), and we were both not in a mood, you were always the one who made the first step to close the emotional distance between us.

If I am being completely honest, sometimes I feel like I am just stealing the caring actions that Edison can give me, like his coffee, his car advice, his introverted company. But that just makes me

miss even more the hugs I steal from you every time we part ways at the bus station, your shoulder, your tummy, your soft voice with a beautiful english accent and adorable cantonese accent, and most of all, your kind and sensitive soul.

Sorry this is a very long writing, all to say that I really miss you today as I go through all these in my mind.

Hugs.

——

adding these photos back later on:

I went to my cousin’s at Shatin for haircut today. Miss you.