Macau day trip

hello dear, miss you. How are you?

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday, I finished working in Macau at almost 8pm, we had to rush for dinner to catch the 9pm ferry, and I got home at almost 11pm. It was a very long, tiring day.

But that aside, it was a relative manageable work trip even though my mental state actually still has not recovered yet and being outside for the whole day means I won’t have any space to take a mental break except when I go to the toilet.

I am glad that my company was Edison instead of any other colleagues, because by now I think I feel quite comfortable next to him to not have to socialise or pretend that my energy level is always normal and consistent. I can show a tired blank face in front of him and speak only when I want to. This helps me to not over drain my mental energy. And I realised that because he is such an “emotionless” person, it actually makes it easier for me to remain calm and not triggered when I interact with him. So I am actually quite thankful for his company, but I won’t tell him that, haha.

But even though my day wasn’t too hard yesterday, I had a really tough breakdown again this morning when I woke up. Even though I know there are multiple reasons for that, like I didn’t reset myself mentally and emotionally last night after the long day outside because I was too tired and my PMS is here, it was still one of the hardest mornings for me.

I shared a lot about me crying in the last few days and most of the time it’s for ventilating my overwhelming emotions, but this morning was different. It was more like the kind of mental breakdowns I used to have often when my depression was worse, where I felt like I was being sucked into the darkness, and all I could feel was the overwhelming exhaustion from living in this world.

It was such a helpless place to be in, feeling that most people won’t know and understand what I was going through, drowning in that dark hole.

I cried out to God in my breakdown, and as I was browsing through my phone, I came acoss this verse that I felt like was God’s answer to me: “for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

In that moment, I knew that no one could truly rescue me from that dark place even if anyone was there. The only way for me to get out of it, is to let God work in me, like how he did in the past.

My crying stopped eventually and I was able to get through the day with a few more breaks in between my meeting. I am also slightly calmer now.

Miss you dear. I know I say this everyday, but I really do mean it every time I type it. Sorry that this is a slight heavy post too.

I am going to rest soon, here is me yesterday when I came back from Macau, I looked tired. Good night.